One from Aunt Gus ~ For Fiona’s Birthday

It’s high school graduation day in Dublin, and everybody’s going to get their diploma but Paddy. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts “Let Paddy graduate! Let Paddy graduate!”

The principal agrees to give Paddy one last chance and asks, “If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Paddy, how many apples do I have?” Paddy thought long and hard and then said, “Ten.” And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, “Give Paddy another chance! Give Paddy another chance!”

Punchable Offense

Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”

Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night.”

Kid 1: “As if.”

Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.” K

id 1: “I don’t have a sister.”

Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”

Lesson Learned

Teacher: “Right, if I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have all together?”

Johnny: “Seven, Teach.”

Teacher: “No, listen to me now, you’re not paying attention. If I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: [Sighs] “Alright, let’s try it a different way. If I gave you two slices of Irish soda bread, and another two slices, and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now, if I gave you two cats, and another two cats, and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Johnny! Where in God’s name are you getting seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a damn cat at home!”

You Found It

Mr. and Mrs. O’Leary had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.

Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind trash cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a cop approached him and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious, the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

Another Great Duck Joke

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: “Put it on my bill.”

Father Knows Best

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

“That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

Perception

Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Mistaken Ethnicity

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

The Magical Fruit

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

What’s That You Say?

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”

“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!”

Too Hot

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”