To Be Loved by You

Murphy tells his doctor, “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’.” The doctor says, “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” Murphy asks, “Is it common?” The doctor replies, “It’s not unusual.”

Second Opinion

I was talking to my friend the other day. “I went to the doctor, and he told me I have to stop drinking, smoking, and eating rich food.”My friend asked, “So, are you going to do it?” I replied, “No, I’m going to stop going to that doctor.”

Manual Dexterity

Declan goes into a hardware shop and asks for a top-of-the-line saw. The assistant sells him a chainsaw, promising it will cut through twenty trees a day.

Declan brings it back the next morning, exhausted, and says, “This is entirely useless, it only cut through three trees!”

The assistant takes the saw, pulls the cord, and the engine roars to life. Declan jumps back and shouts, “What in the world is that noise?!”

Nobody Home

Mick goes in for a job interview. The manager asks him, “So, why did you leave your last job?”
Mick replies, “The company relocated.”
The manager nods, “Oh, I see. Where to?”
Mick shrugs, “They didn’t tell me.”

Two Wrongs

Paddy is sitting at the bar staring off into space. His friend asks, “Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Paddy sighs and says, “Because I married the wrong woman.”

Heading South

O’Toole is on his deathbed, and the local priest comes in to give him his last rites. “O’Toole,” the priest asks solemnly, “do you renounce the devil and all his works?”
O’Toole opens one eye and whispers, “Father, in my current condition, I don’t think it’s a good time to be making enemies.”

Ding Dong Ditch

Father Murphy is walking down the street when he sees young little Sean stretching on his tiptoes, trying to press a doorbell that’s just out of his reach. The priest walks up, puts a gentle hand on the boy’s shoulder, and gives the doorbell a solid, long ring. “There you go, my son,” the priest smiles. “Now what?” Sean looks up and says, “Now we run like mad!”

He’s a Good Boy

Declan slips into the confessional booth and whispers, “Forgive me, Father. A tourist speeding down the lane ran over my favorite sheepdog, and I had to put him down.”

The priest replies sympathetically, “Declan, my son, putting a poor, suffering creature down is not a sin. It’s a mercy. You don’t need to confess that.”

Declan pauses, then says, “Are you absolutely sure, Father? Well, that takes a massive weight off my shoulders. And the best news is, the dog is going to make a full recovery.”

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Irishman: “Bless me, Father. I almost had an affair with another woman.”
Priest: “What do you mean, almost?”
Irishman: “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
Priest: “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
(The Irishman leaves, says his prayers, walks to the poor box, pauses, and starts to walk out.)
Priest (running over): “I saw that! You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
Irishman: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

Who Dealt It?

Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning-looking girl. He smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down, too.

Paddy looks over and says, “Have you farted as well?”

Here To Help

Murphy, while on holiday and a bit pissed, stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan. There was a priest standing there, dunking people’s heads underwater, and when they emerged he would ask if they’d found Jesus.

Murphy wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. When he gets back up, the priest asks Murphy if he had found Jesus, to which he replied no.

So, the priest dunks him underwater again, this time a little longer. Again, he pops back up, and after the priest asked if he’d found Jesus, he said no a second time.

The priest then dunks him under once more, only this time he kept Murphy underwater for a while. When he came back up one final time, the priest asked if he’d finally found Jesus.

Gasping for air, Murphy asked, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Don’t Be Nosy

After stealing a load of apples from a neighbor’s tree, two young lads decided to find a quiet spot to split their haul. They settled on the local cemetery. While hopping over the gate to get inside, they dropped two of the apples but decided to leave them behind since they already had plenty.

Shortly after, a fella walking home from the pub passed the gate and heard a voice whispering in the dark, “One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you…” Sobering up instantly, he sprinted to the nearby church and grabbed the priest. “Father, you have to come quickly!” he panicked. “God and Satan are down at the cemetery dividing up the corpses!”

The two of them hurried back to the gates, arriving just in time to hear the voice still going, “One for me, one for you…” Then, there was a pause, and the voice asked, “Right, what about the two at the gate?”

They say you’ve never seen two men run so fast in your life!

Don’t Be Daft

Liam decided to sell his pet python online. A man called and asked, “Is it big?”
Liam proudly replied, “Massive!.”
The man was impressed and asked, “Really? How many feet?”
Liam paused, looked confused, and said, “None!”.
The man was silent, so Liam added, “It’s a snake, you daft eejit!”