One from Aunt Gussie
Into a Donegal pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking as if he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jimmy O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy. “
That little fella, O’Conner?” says Sean. “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did,” said Paddy. “I had Mrs. O’Conner, and a thing of beauty she is, but totally useless in a fight.”
Brutal Honesty
Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.
The Best
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
Keep Your Options Open
Two elderly friends, Colleen and Maureen, hadn’t seen each other in a while, but met while shopping. Colleen inquired, “And how is your husband?”
“Oh! Paddy died last week.” He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
Colleen was shocked by the news and said, “Oh dear! I am so very sorry, What did you do?” Maureen replied, “I opened a can of peas instead.”
Right You Are
Murphy didn’t have long to live, and his four children were gathered around his deathbed. As the eighty-year-old widower seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the plans for his funeral.
One of his children wanted to spend only a hundred Euros for a coffin. The second child thought that a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack.
ll of Murphy’s children agreed that there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference. Just then, Murphy stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. “Children,” he said, “I have never told you this and never wanted to, but I can’t go to my final resting place with this burden. My children, your dear departed mother and I were never married.”
His eldest son was aghast, “You mean we’re …”
“Murphy replied, “Right you are. And cheap ones at that!”
Out of Order
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
Facts
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Home for the Holidays
A few days before Christmas, Flanagan, who lives in Ireland, calls his son in New York. He says “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.” “
Dad, what are you talking about?” The son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “No way are they getting divorced!” She shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
Immediately she calls Ireland and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until we get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there by Christmas Eve. Until then, don’t do a single thing. DO YOU HERE ME?” and she hangs up.
Flanagan hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming home for Christmas and they’re paying their own way.”
Ready Kilowatt
When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Now that I’m grown up, the electricity bill made me afraid of the light.
One from the Peanut Gallery
A woman got into a motor vehicle accident today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what the hell he likes in his own living room.
Oh Geeze
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Paranoia
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric, and cable company.”
Respect Authority
A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: “I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs.”
The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: “Okay, just don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: “Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!”
“That may as well be,” said the rancher, “But you’d better stay out of my west 40 just the same.”
Reaching into his pants pocket, the agent removed his badge and angrily thrust it at the rancher.
“SEE THIS BADGE?!” He shouted, “THIS BADGE means I am allowed to go WHEREVER the HELL I want, ANYWHERE! NO QUESTIONS ASKED! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams coming from the west. He looked up from his work and saw the DEA agent running for his life across the pasture, being chased by the rancher’s prize bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs: “SIR!!! YOUR BADGE! QUICK, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!”
