By Joe McDonough
A man walks several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the cottage door. A young lad, about 12, opened the door. “Would your dad be at home?” Casey asked.
“No sir, he sure ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town.”
“Well then,” said Casey. “Is the good woman of the house in then?”
“No, she ain’t here neither. She went to town with dad.”
“Well then, how about himself, your brother Sean, is he here?”
“No sir, he went with dad and ma.”
Casey stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Now Mr. Casey, is there anything I can do for ya?” inquired the lad politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one; or maybe I could take a message for me dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your dad. ‘Tis about your brother Sean getting me daughter, Colleen, pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment, “Right, you would have to talk to me dad about that. I know that da charges 50 quid for the bull and 25 for the boar, but I don’t know how much he charges for Sean.”
Pull the Wool
A traveling salesman is out in the country and forced to ask a local farmer if he can stay at his farm overnight. The farmer says sure but explains that he’ll have to sleep in the barn. The salesman agrees.
In the morning, the farmer comes to wake up the salesman and asks how he slept.
“I slept fine,” says the salesman. “And I was able to talk to all the animals in your barn last night.”
“Oh really?” the farmer says.
“Yeah. I talked to the hens, and they said you collect their eggs every morning at five o’clock.”
“Well, that’s true,” the farmer says.
“I talked to the old horse, and he said his name is Otis and you’ve owned him for ten years,” the salesman says.
“Wow, how did you do that? That’s amazing,” the farmer says.
“I talked to the cows, and they said you milk them every morning at six,” the salesman says.
“That’s right, I do,” the farmer says.
“And I talked to the sheep—”
“Those sheep are liars!” the farmer says.
Quickies
What do you call a girl with no eyes?
A grl.
What do you call a nose without a body?
No body nose.
No Wait, There’s More
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy responds: “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man”.
The second guy says: “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow”.
The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: “I guess I’d like to hear them say ‘Look – he’s moving’
Finger Licken’ Good
Three sons discussed the gifts they were able to give to their aged mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mom.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third said, “I have beaten you both. You remember how mom enjoyed the bible? And you know she can’t see very well any longer. I sent her a unique parrot that recited the entire bible. He is one of a kind!”
Soon, mother writes letters,
“Milton, the house you built is very huge. I live only in a room. But I must clean the whole house. Gerald, I am too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the car.”
Then, “Dearest Donald, you have the good sense of knowledge what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”
Boss Daddy
A Father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “This kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!!”
Stay the Course
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia, the second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that is 15 degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Familiar Faces
There were two elderly people, George and Sheila, living in a North Carolina mobile home park in the suburbs of Concord. He was a widower and she a widow and they had known one another for a number of years.
One evening, a supper was held in the communal refectory and the two found themselves at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, George made several admiring glances at Sheila and he finally gathered his courage to ask her, ‘Sheila, will you marry me?’
After about five seconds of “careful consideration,” Sheila answered, ‘Yes. Yes, I will.’
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, then they went to their respective caravans. Next morning, George was troubled: ‘Did she say “yes” or did she say “no”?’ He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
So it was with some trepidation that he went to the telephone and called Sheila. Firstly, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, George inquired gingerly, ‘Sheila, when I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No”?’
George was delighted to hear her Sheila say, ‘Why, I said, “Yes, yes I will” and I meant it with all my heart.’ Then she continued, ‘I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember for the life of me who had asked.’
