Altitude Problem
I was sitting at a bar when a guy walked in and ordered a beer. He took a long sip and sighed, “What a long day at work.” The bartender asked, “Rough day?”
The guy nodded, “I fell off a 20 ft ladder.”
The bartender’s eyes went wide, “You’re kidding! Are you okay? Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?”
The guy shrugged, “No, I’m fine. I was only on the first step.”
A Lid for Every Pot
Zookeeper says to Paddy, “The gorilla is in heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500?”
Paddy replies, I will on three conditions: First, I’m not going to kiss it. Second, my family must never know. Thirdly, I’ll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!
Higher Learning
Sean is stopped by the police around 2 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night. He replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.
“The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Sean replies, “That would be my wife.”
Thanks Mr. Helper
An Irishman is walking through a field when he sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. Seamus shouts “Na ol an t-uisce, ta lan de chac bo” (Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow dung.)”
The man shouts back, “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you.”
Shamus replies, “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”
Options
A Protestant vicar was sitting next to Liam on a plane. Liam ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Protestant vicar if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be ravaged by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips!”
Liam handed his drink back and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
After Further Review
Mary was sitting in a hospital bed at the local clinic in Galway, waiting for the doctor. Dr. Gallagher walked into the room, looked at his clipboard, and said, “Alright Mary, I am just waiting for your X-ray.”
Mary looked up at him with total confusion and replied, “But Doctor, I have never dated anyone named Ray.”
Dr. Gallagher slowly lowered his clipboard, let out a heavy sigh, and said, “Right then. And we might just go ahead and do a brain scan while we have you here.”
Stimulus
The husband was driving to work when he heard breaking news on the radio. “The government is giving $100,000 to every family with 10 children.”
He slammed on the brakes, turned the car around and raced back home. He burst through the front door. “Honey! We’re almost rich!”
His wife looked confused. “What are you talking about?”
He took a deep breath. “There’s something I’ve never told you. Years ago, I had a child with another woman.If I go bring him home, we’ll have ten kids. We’ll qualify for the money.”
The room fell silent. Finally, his wife nodded.
“Go get him.” An hour later the husband returned with the little boy. But the house was strangely quiet. He looked around. “Where’s everyone? Our kids?”
His wife smiled. A tiny pause, “Their dads came and picked them up.”
Perception Is Key
Walking into the pub, Patrick said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah,” said Sean. “And how did this one end?”
“Well I’ll tell ya now when it was over,” Patrick replied, “Herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did.”
“You don’t say? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!”
Good Listener
His wife had been killed in an accident, and the police were questioning Finnegan.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.
Tinker By Trade
It’s revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. “Do you want to be beheaded on your back or your front?” the executioner asked Smith.
“On my back,” said Smith, “I’m not afraid of death.”
So, Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick… and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice.
Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again, the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved.
Murphy was third. “Back or front?”
“If it’s good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it’s good enough for me,” and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. “Begorrah,” he said. “Just a minute. I think I can see why it jams.”
Help Has Arrived
Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said “Mike, will you look at that! A man of the cloth and going into a place like that in broad daylight!”
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike lay down his shovel, turned to Pat and said “Pat! Are you seeing what I’m seeing? A man of the Church, and he’s giving that place his custom!”
Just then, a Catholic priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says, “Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there.”
