Free Trip

Q: How many Irish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:  Zero. “Oh, don’t you worry about me, I’ll just sit here in the dark. It’ll give me more time to pray for your soul and wonder why you haven’t called your Aunt Mary.”

Redundancy

Murph: “Hey Sully, why are you wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe?”

Sully: “I don’t know, Murph. It’s the strangest thing. I’ve got another pair just like ’em back at the house.”

You’re The First

Liam finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend, Siobhan. One evening after the honeymoon, he was in the garage lovingly organizing his set of custom darts and his collection of vintage Notre Dame memorabilia. Siobhan was standing nearby watching him with her arms folded.

After a long period of silence, she finally spoke. “Liam, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit the dart league. You spend so much time at the pub, and on the weekends you’re always glued to the football. You could probably get a good price for those clubs and the jerseys.”
Liam gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what is wrong?”

“For a minute there,” he says, “you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screams. “I did not know you were married before!”

“I was not,” he replied.

Running On

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly. But it turned out that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case. So instead of getting a short-term sentence, he ended up getting 36 years without parole! Man, that sentence was way too long.

Show Me Something

A fellow from Chicago was driving through the countryside in County Galway when he got a flat. After fixing it, he spotted an old farmer leaning against a stone wall.

The man called out, “Excuse me, sir, how long will it take me to get into town?” The farmer just stared at him and didn’t say a word. The fellow figured the old man was hard of hearing, so he just turned and started walking down the road.

He had gone about a hundred yards when the farmer yelled out, “About twenty minutes, lad!”
The man stopped and shouted back, “Thank you! But why didn’t you tell me that when I first asked you?”
The farmer shrugged and called out, “Well, I didn’t know how fast you could walk, did I?”

Let Me Speak to the Manager

Paddy was hiking through the hills of Donegal when he slipped and tumbled over the edge of a steep cliff. On his way down, he managed to grab hold of a lone, scraggly hawthorn bush. Hanging there for dear life, he looked down at the jagged rocks below and screamed, “Help! Is there anybody up there?”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and a great, booming voice echoed through the glen: “I am here, Paddy. I will save you, but first you must show your faith and trust in me completely.”
“Oh, I do, Lord! I swear I do!” Paddy cried out.
The voice boomed back, “Then let go of the bush.”
There was a long, dead silence as Paddy looked at his white knuckles and then back down at the rocks. He cleared his throat and yelled, “Is there anybody else up there?”

Awakening

A young lad was struggling through his physics degree at Case Western, spending every waking hour hunched over his books. After five long years of squinting at equations and nearly losing his mind, he goes charging into his professor’s office.

“Professor O’Shea!” he shouted, out of breath. “I’ve finally done it! After five years of study, I truly, deeply understand the Theory of Special Relativity!”

Professor O’Shea didn’t even look up from his papers. He just sighed and said, “It’s about time.”

Good Times Bad Times

A fellow and his wife were sitting down for a bit of Sunday dinner at the pub, and the husband couldn’t stop staring at a woman sitting alone in a snug, happily polishing off her third Jameson.

His wife finally asked, “Mick, do you know her? You’ve been looking over there since the soda bread hit the table.”

“I do,” the husband sighs. “That’s my ex-wife. She took to the heavy drinking the very day the judge signed the papers ten years ago, and from what I hear in the parish, she hasn’t been sober a day since.”

“Glory be to God!” says the wife. “Who would’ve thought a person could go on celebrating for that long?”

Nothing Is Free

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. “Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. “Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”

“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We only charge for the potatoes.”