An Englishman, a Scot, and our man Paddy Irishman die and find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the Englishman, “What is Easter?” The Englishman replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in America when the Yanks all get together, eat turkey, and are thankful.”
“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the Scot the same question, “What is Easter?” The Scot replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the Scot, shakes his head in disgust, tells him he’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at Paddy and asks, “What is Easter?” Paddy smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes. “Sur, I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified, and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then Paddy continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”
Taster’s Choice
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
Sticks & Stones
A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”
The kid says, “I wish I were rich!”
The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”
Counting Cards
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answered the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”
“Jack.”
Mom’s One Joke She Could Tell
A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees Bugs Bunny taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
Bugs opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse Doc?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” Bugs Bunny says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”
Well Read
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater.
“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir,” the manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved,” the man says.
“All right then,” the manager says. “If you’re sure. …”
After the movie, the manager says to the man, “I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too,” says the man. “He hated the book.”
Speak Up
A Prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
Nothing is Free
A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.
He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”
Good Boy
John visited his 90-year-old grandpa, who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
Tough Mother
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy”
Face Value
One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story whereChicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: “Holy smoke! A talking chicken!'”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
You Are Not
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. O’Leary’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Shannon O’Leary.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. O’Leary’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”
