Wise Craics: There is no “One from Aunt Gussie” joke this month. Apparently, she is taking some well-earned time off for the summer to recharge her comedic batteries.
Wish I Was High on Potenuse
A Horse Walks into a Bar… He approaches the bartender and says, “If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?” The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “Y, the long face.”
I Can’t Barely Take It
A bear walks into a bar… The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear. The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.” “Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender, “What are you drinking?” “I’ll have a glass of…”, says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, “…scotch.” “Why the long face?”, asks the bartender. “Don’t you mean big pause?”, asks the bear. “Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
World Cup Overflowith
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. “No”, says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”
The neighbour says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No”, he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
You’re Soaking in It
Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, “Morning, boys! How’s the water?” The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, “What the hell is water?”
Brrrrr
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
3 Nurses in Heaven
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner-city hospital,” she replied. “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You, too, may enter.” He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.” “Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.” “Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days.”
The B Side
The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop in Dublin. He marches up to the counter and asks the young fella working there, “Tell me, do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
The assistant checks the computer and says, “We do, surely. Would you like to have a listen before you buy it?”
“I certainly would,” says the expert.
The assistant hands him a pair of headphones, puts the record on the turntable behind the counter, and drops the needle.
The expert listens intently for a few moments, wrinkles his nose, and takes off the headphones. “Hold on a second now, chief. I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps, and this isn’t right at all. I don’t recognize a single one of those sounds. Are you sure you’ve put on the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the sleeve. “Yes, sir. This is definitely the European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. Tell you what, let me skip ahead to the second track.”
He moves the needle, and the expert puts the headphones back on. After a few seconds, he pulls them off again, looking highly annoyed. “This is absolute codswallop! I’ve been studying this exact field for forty-three years, and I’m telling you, those sounds are completely wrong.”
The assistant apologizes, lifts the needle, and moves it to the next track. The moment the music hits the expert’s ears, he throws the headphones onto the counter in a total rage.
“This is scandalous false advertising!” he shouts. “I am the world’s leading authority on European wasps, and no wasp in God’s green earth has ever made a racket like that!”
Hearing the massive commotion, the shop manager wanders over from the back. “What seems to be the problem, sir? Is everything alright?”
The expert turns to him, completely red-faced. “No, it is not alright! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody on this planet knows more about them than I do. And there is absolutely no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down at the turntable, spots the issue immediately, and sighs.
“Ah, I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears the young lad has been playing you the bee side.”
Genius
An Aer Lingus flight is flying from Dublin to Donegal when the engine lets out a terrible splutter and dies completely. The pilot runs out of the cockpit, grabs a parachute, kicks open the emergency door, and shouts, “Sorry lads, there are only three parachutes left!” before diving out into the clouds.
This leaves four passengers stranded in the cabin: a young Boy Scout, a university professor, a parish priest, and a prominent doctor.
The doctor immediately stands up and says, “Right, I need to be saved. I’m a surgeon, I save lives every day, and I am a vital resource to the health of the nation.” He grabs a parachute, straps it on, and jumps.
The professor stands up next, looking very self-important. “Well, I am a world-renowned academic, a member of the Royal Irish Academy, and the Taoiseach himself has called me the smartest man in the country. It is blindingly obvious that my intellect must be preserved for future generations.” He grabs a pack and leaps out the door.
That leaves just the priest and the Boy Scout… and only one parachute left between them.
The priest looks at the lad, smiles gently, and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Son, I’ve lived a long, full life in the service of the Lord. You’re only young, and you have the whole world ahead of you. Go on now, take the last parachute.”
The Scout smiles back and says, “Ah, you’re grand, Father, no need to worry. The smartest man in the country just jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”
