Lessons from My Irish Mother (1888-1973)
ANTICIPATION: Just wait until we get home.
LOGIC: Because I said so, that’s why!
LOVE: If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.
RECEIVING: You are going to get it when you get home.
WISDOM: When you get to my age you’ll understand.
OSMOSIS: Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
MY ROOTS: Shut that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?
STAMINA: You’ll sit there until that’s all gone.
HYPOCRISY: If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!
RELIGION: You had better pray that comes out of the carpet.
IRONY: Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it.
The Doctor Is In
A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, every time I drink tea, I get a sharp pain in my eye.”
The doctor says, “Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I think I’m a deck of cards.”
The doctor says, “Sit down, I’ll deal with you in a minute.”
I went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
He said, “Don’t do that!”
I went to the doctor, I said, “Doc, every morning when I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What is wrong with me?”
He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect!”
I went to see my doctor; he gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave me another six months!
I went to the doctor. He put his hand on my wallet and said “cough.”
I went to the doctor. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No Fatty. Don’t eat anything.”
How Do You Know Where I am Going
An elderly man is driving down the motorway when his phone rings. It’s his wife.
“Be careful, dear!” she says. “I just heard on the radio there’s a car going the wrong way on the highway.”
The man replies, “It’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of them!”
Polly Wants a Cracker
A man walks into a pet shop and says, “I’d like to buy a talking parrot.” The shopkeeper shows him a beautiful bird.
The man asks, “Are you sure he talks?” The shopkeeper nods.
The man buys the parrot and takes it home. Days go by and the parrot doesn’t say a word. Furious, the man returns to the shop.
The shopkeeper asks, “Did you buy a mirror? Parrots love to look at themselves and then talk.” The man buys a mirror.
Still, the parrot says nothing. He returns again. “Did you buy a ladder? Parrots talk when they climb.” The man buys a ladder.
Still nothing. He returns, frustrated. “Did you buy a swing? Parrots love to swing and chat.” The man buys a swing.
The next day, the parrot finally speaks. It looks at the man and says, “Don’t they sell any food at that shop?”
Same Bird, Different Joke
A woman buys a parrot from a pet shop. The shopkeeper warns, “Just so you know, this parrot used to live in a brothel.”
The woman laughs it off and brings the parrot home.
The parrot looks around and says, “New place, very nice.”
Her daughters come home, and the parrot says, “New girls, lovely.”
Finally, her husband walks in, and the parrot squawks, “Hello Sean!”
No Gnus is Good Gnus
A woman calls her husband at work and says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
The husband says, “Give me the good news first.”
She says, “The airbags in the new car work perfectly.”
Do Not Drink Alone
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says, “A beer, please. And one for the road.”
Job Hazards
Seamus had been out of work for a while, so when he finally landed a job as a painter, he was delighted. On his first day, the foreman handed him a can of green paint and told him to paint the white line down the middle of the highway.
Eager to impress, Seamus painted a full mile the first day. The next day, he only managed half a mile. By the third day, he barely finished a quarter mile.
The foreman pulled him aside and asked, “Seamus, why are you painting less each day?” Seamus sighed and said, “Well, sir, every day the paint can gets farther and farther away from me.”
