One from Aunt Gussie

Two lads, Liam and Finn, were strolling down O’Connell Street in Dublin, when they spotted a shop window that read:

Suits €10, Jackets €7.50, Trousers and Dresses €5.00.

Liam turns to Finn and says, “Would ya look at those prices? We could buy a whole lorry-load, haul it back to Cork, and make a fortune — double, maybe even treble the money!”

Finn says, “That’s a grand idea, but d’ya think they’ll sell to us if they know we’re from Dublin?”

Liam grins and says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” and walks in, putting on his finest Galway accent: “Good afternoon! I’d like twenty suits, thirty jackets, fifty pairs of trousers, and twenty-five dresses, please.”

The shop assistant squints and says, “You’re from Dublin, aren’t you?”

Liam replies, “Ah heck, how’d ya guess?”

The assistant smiles and says, “This is a dry cleaners.”

Estate Planning

Mick and Paddy are in the Pub having a drink when Paddy brings out a goldfish bowl with two goldfish in it.
Mick says, “That’s a grand pair of goldfish ye got there Paddy. Have ye named them yet?”
Paddy says, “As a matter of fact I have. This one’s called One and this one’s called Two.”
“Them’s strange names for a couple of fish,” says Mick, “why did you call them that?”
Paddy replies, “Well if One dies, I’ve still got Two left.”

Good Clean Fun

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.

“This is a magic ride,” she says. “You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.”

“I’m game for this,” says the Irishman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting “GOLD!” at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom, he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

The Welshman goes next and shouts “SILVER!” at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry. The Englishman

Perspective

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good-looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ‘”We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.”
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”

Success

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a driver’s license.

At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver’s license.

At age 75 success is … having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.