One From Aunt Gussie

O’Malley left work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the lads and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped nagging and asked, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” O’Malley replied, “Shure, that would be grand.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Quiet Please!

An Irish American fellow—let’s call him Murph—walks into the local archives. He’s spent three hours trying to find which county his great-great-grandfather came from and he’s starving. He walks up to the desk and says:

“Give me a corned beef sandwich on rye and a ginger ale.”

The librarian looks up from a microfiche machine and whispers: “Sir, please… this is a silent study area.”

Murph looks around, realizes he’s surrounded by dusty books and not a deli counter, nods solemnly, and whispers: “Right, right. My mistake. Make it a Reuben, but go easy on the sauerkraut… and I’ll take that ginger ale in a plastic cup so the ice doesn’t clink.”

Woulda Shoulda

A woman wakes up at 3:00 AM and notices her husband, Seamus, isn’t in bed. She finds him in the kitchen, sitting under the framed picture of the Sacred Heart and a “God Bless Our Home” plaque. He’s staring into a mug of tea so strong you could float a horseshoe in it.

He looks up, his eyes misty. “Do you remember 20 years ago, Mary? Back when we were seeing each other behind the GAA hall, and you were just a slip of a girl?”

“I do, Seamus,” she says, pulling her cardigan tight.

“And do you remember when your father—Lord rest his soul, though he was a terrifying man—found us in the back of that beat-up Ford? And he came at me with that heavy blackthorn walking stick in one hand and his brother the Sergeant in the other?”

Mary sighs. “I remember the shouting well.”

“And do you remember,” Seamus continues, his voice trembling, “how he looked me in the eye and said, ‘Boy, you either walk down that aisle at St. Colman’s next Saturday, or I’ll have my brother lock you in a cell for the next 20 years without so much as a biscuit to eat’?”

Mary softens, touching his shoulder. “I remember, love. It was a long time ago.”

Seamus takes a shaky sip of tea, looks at the calendar, and whispers: “I’d be a free man this morning… I could’ve been halfway to Galway by now.”

The Browns Pick Carnell Tate (WR, Ohio State)

Sully and O’Malley are hiking through the Metroparks, arguing about how the Browns are inevitably going to blow their first-round pick again.

“I’m telling you,” O’Malley grumbles, “they’ll pass on Carnell Tate to draft a punter from a school nobody’s ever heard of.”

Suddenly, a pack of yapping coyotes emerges from the brush, circling them. O’Malley immediately drops his bag and starts frantically swapping his boots for a pair of sneakers.

Sully stares at him. “Are you thick? You can’t outrun a pack of coyotes!”

O’Malley double-knots his laces and says, “I don’t need to outrun the coyotes, Sully. I just need to outrun a guy who’s still wearing work boots.”

No Questions Only Orders

An Army squad is deep in the jungle on a training exercise when the Sergeant Major calls a briefing.

“Listen up, lads,” he barks. “Three things you need to know. First, the local women are gorgeous, but they’re carrying every disease known to man. Stay away. Second, the river water is full of the Ju-Ju worm. One sip and it’ll eat you from the inside out. Don’t touch it.”

He pauses for effect. “Finally, the black-and-yellow striped snake. It’s the deadliest thing out here. If you can’t avoid it, grab it by the tail, run your hand quickly up to the head, and snap its neck. Dismissed!”

Two weeks later, the Sergeant Major visits the base hospital.

He stops at the first bed. “What happened to you, son?” “The women, Sarge,” the soldier groans. “I couldn’t help myself, and now I’m rotting away.” “Told you so,” the Sarge grunts.

He moves to the second bed. “And you?” “The water, Sarge,” the man wheezes. “I was parched. Now I’ve got a worm the size of a firehose living in my gut.” “I warned you,” the Sarge sighs.

Finally, he reaches the third bed. The soldier is in a full-body cast, suspended from the ceiling by wires. “Good grief, man! Did the snake get you? “The soldier whispers through a tiny gap in the bandages, “I saw the stripes, Sarge. I did exactly what you said. I grabbed the tail and ran my hand right up the body… but it turns out I had my finger two inches up the backside of a Bengal tiger!”

Eye Tea

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to GirlFriend 1.0. For years, I had run the ‘DrinkingMates’ program without a single system crash, but I quickly realized that GirlFriend 1.0 has major compatibility issues. It refuses to run alongside essential applications like LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

I attempted several workarounds, including running GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off, but the background processes still managed to interfere with my hardware.

Eventually, I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to find that it was just a bridge to the high-resource Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 does come bundled with CleanHouse2023, it is extremely unstable and costly to maintain:

Permanent Memory: Wife 1.0 has a massive internal database where every mistake I make is stored. There is no ‘Delete’ or ‘Clear History’ function; instead, these files resurface months later during unrelated tasks.

Automatic Launchers: Without warning, the system launches TurboStrop and Whinge. These applications have no ‘Help’ files, leaving me to guess how to fix the errors.

Required Add-ons: The software demands regular updates like ShoeShop Browser and Hairstyle Express, both of which drain the ‘Disposable Income’ partition of my hard drive.

Child Processes: Shortly after installation, Wife 1.0 spawned several sub-processes that consume all remaining CPU and memory. They have also flagged my Gaming.exe files as an ‘Illegal Operation.’

Persistent Pop-ups: It comes with an un-closable pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which runs a constant ‘Performance Review’ of my entire system.

A friend suggested installing Mistress 2026 as a patch, but he warned me of a fatal flaw: if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2026, it will automatically execute a ‘Wipe All Data’ command on my bank account before uninstalling itself and taking the F-150 Raptor driver with it.

Secret Squirrel

The FBI, the CIA, and the Cleveland PD are all tasked with a simple exercise: go into the woods and find a squirrel.

The FBI goes in first. They spend three hours conducting field interviews and setting up surveillance. They return empty-handed, stating, “Our forensics team determined the squirrel has relocated across state lines. We’ve issued a federal warrant, but the trail has gone cold.”

The CIA goes in next. They’re gone for six hours. They return empty-handed, reporting, “We’ve successfully flipped a chipmunk. He’s now a deep-cover asset, and we expect him to lead us to the squirrel’s high-ranking associates by the next fiscal quarter.”

Finally, Cleveland PD pulls up in a cruiser. They’re in the woods for exactly ten minutes. They emerge from the brush dragging a scrawny rabbit by its ears. The rabbit has two black eyes, a busted lip, and looks absolutely terrified.

As they drag him toward the clearing, the rabbit screams, “Okay, okay! I confess! I’m a squirrel!