Grim Prognosis

Mrs. Murphy accompanied her husband, Paddy, to the surgery to see Dr. O’Shea. After the checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and closed the door.

He looked at her grimly and said, “Mrs. Murphy, your husband is suffering from a fierce amount of stress. It’s very serious. If you don’t do the following, poor Paddy will surely be in the ground before the year is out.

“Each morning, you must get up before him and cook him a full Irish breakfast—sausages, rashers, black pudding, the works. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make him a hearty stew with brown bread. For dinner, prepare a roast beef with plenty of spuds and gravy. Don’t burden him with chores—don’t ask him to take out the bins or bring in the turf.

“Don’t discuss your problems with him or complain about the neighbors; it will only make his stress worse. Absolutely no nagging. And most importantly,” the doctor lowered his voice, “you must attend to his marital needs several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Paddy will make a full recovery.”

On the drive home through the rain, Paddy turned to his wife and asked, “Well, Mary? What did the doctor say?”

Mary looked out the window and replied, “He said you’re going to die.”

Grin and Bear It

Department of Fish, Wildlife & Parks is issuing revised safety recommendations for bear interactions.  We urge all tourists, hikers, and aspiring Instagram models to take the following precautions while enjoying our scenic wilderness:

Wear Bells: We strongly encourage attaching small, noisy bells to your clothing and artisanal backpacks. The constant jingling serves as a polite heads-up to any bears in the vicinity, preventing awkward, sudden encounters for both parties.

Carry Bear Spray: Always carry a canister of high-potency pepper spray and keep it readily accessible. This is not a suggestion; consider it as essential as your phone and your emotional support water bottle.

Learn to Identify Bear Activity: Being aware of your surroundings is critical. An easy way to gauge local predator activity is to learn the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear scat is typically smaller and contains berries, nuts, and occasionally, the shredded remnants of a squirrel.

Grizzly bear scat is much larger, contains small, jingling bells, and smells strongly of pepper spray.

High Steaks

Sean walks into a steakhouse in Olmsted Falls and orders a pint of Guinness. He notices that beautiful, thick cut ribeyes are nailed to the ceiling rafters and asks Johanna the bartender what the story is.

“It’s a wager,” Johannah replies. “If you can jump up and pull a piece down, you get free beer all night. But if you fail, you have to pay the bar $100.”

She wipes down the counter and asks, “So, do you want to have a go?” Sean looks up, thinks for a minute, and shakes his head. “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

The Deliberate Centipede

Mick sees an advertisement for a “Talking Centipede” in a pet shop window in Dublin for €100. He buys it, takes it back to his flat, opens the box, and asks the centipede if he wants to go down to O’Neill’s for a pint. The centipede doesn’t answer.

Thirty minutes later, Mick tries again, shouting, “Do ye want to go for a pint?!”

The centipede pokes his head out of the box and shouts back, “Hold yer whisht! I heard ye the first time. I’m putting on me shoes!”

The Letter to Mother

Mother was passing by her daughter’s bedroom in Cork and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing ya. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and yourself. I’ve been finding real passion with Declan and he is so nice—even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his GAA kit. But it’s not only the passion Mom, but I’m also pregnant and Declan said that we will be very happy.

He already owns a caravan down in the bog and has a stack of turf for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.

Declan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to look after meself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Niamh

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at Mrs. Murphy’s house next door. I just wanted to remind ye that there are worse things in life than my school report that’s in my desk center drawer. I love ya! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Long Conversation

Seamus went to the rectory to see Father O’Malley. He sat down, cap in hand, and stated in a very serious tone, “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

Father O’Malley asked, “What’s wrong, my son?”

Seamus replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

Father O’Malley, very surprised by this, crossed himself and asked, “Saints preserve us, how can that be?”

Seamus then pleaded, “I’m telling you, Father, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What on earth should I do?”

The priest then said, “Tell you what. Let me have a word with her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later Father O’Malley called Seamus and said, “Well, I spoke to your wife, Mary. I spoke to her on the phone for three solid hours. Do you want my advice?”

Seamus anxiously replied, “Yes, Father.”

“Take the poison,” said the Priest.