One From Aunt Gussie

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands. One night Father Ramono asked Luigi to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years. Tony explained to the younger husbands that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Italy for their 25th anniversary.

Father Ramono asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th anniversary?”

Luigi proudly answered, “Ima gonna go pick her up!”

Paddy’s Christmas Carols

Paddy was rushing home for the holidays in County Cork when a traffic officer pulled him over on Christmas Eve. The officer leaned in the window and said, “You were doing eighty kilometers an hour, Paddy. That’s fifteen over the limit.”

Paddy pleaded, “Ah, officer, please show a bit of compassion. It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m hurrying home to the family.”

“Right then,” the officer said, tapping his notebook. “If you can show me anything in the vehicle that is genuinely related to Christmas, I’ll let you off with a caution.”

Paddy frantically searched the car: the boot, the glovebox, under the seats. He came up empty and was resigned to getting a massive penalty. Then, he glanced at the back seat and his face lit up. He reached back, grabbed a pair of old lady’s underpants (clean, mind you), and held them triumphantly in front of the officer.

“There you are!” Paddy exclaimed.

The officer stared at the worn garment. “What on earth has that to do with Christmas, Paddy?”

“Them?” Paddy replied with a grin. “They’re Carols!”

The Four Stages of Man

The Four Stages of Man:

He believes in Santa Claus.

He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.

He is Santa Claus.

He looks like Santa Claus.

Frosty Gets Fit

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

A: An abdominal snowman.

Fa-la-la-la-la

Q: What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas?

A: ‘Tis the season to be jelly!

Santa’s Final Stress Test

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainees were slow to produce toys, and Santa was already feeling the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, stressing him even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence. Then, as he loaded the sleigh, a floorboard cracked, and the toy bag fell, scattering toys everywhere. Frustrated, Santa stomped inside for a quick drink, only to discover the elves had finished the cider and the liquor. He accidentally dropped the empty bottle, shattering glass all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom but found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door and yanked it open. There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you! Where shall I put it?” Santa, completely defeated, shouted, “Just stick it on top!” And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Immaculate Conception of County Clare

A worried woman named Siobhán brought her sixteen-year-old daughter, Clara, to the doctor in County Clare.

“Doctor,” Siobhán began, “it’s my Clara. She’s getting these dreadful cravings, putting on the weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gave Clara a thorough examination, then turned back to the mother. “Mrs. O’Malley, I don’t know how to tell you this but your Clara is pregnant. About four months along, I’d say.”

Siobhán gasped. “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Clara?”

“No, Ma!” Clara swore. “I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor quietly walked over to the window and just stares out onto the village street. Five minutes went by in silence, and finally Siobhán, quite frustrated, asked, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?”

The doctor turned back, his expression serious. “No, not really, Mrs. O’Malley. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

God’s Not Deaf

Two young lads, Seamus and Danny, were staying at their grandparents’ house in Cleveland the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their nightly prayers. The younger one, Danny, started praying at the top of his voice: “I PRAY FOR A NEW HOCKEY STICK! I PRAY FOR A NEW XBOX!”

His older brother, Seamus, leaned over, nudged him in the ribs, and whispered, “What in the blazes are you shouting for? God isn’t deaf, you know.”

Danny immediately stopped, then replied with a knowing grin: “No, but Granny is!”

Into the Church

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

The Non-Believer

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A: A rebel without a Claus.