One From Aunt Gussie (b. 1927)

A recent study found that the average Irishman walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Irishman drink 22 gallons of beer a year. That means that the average Irishman gets about 41 miles to the gallon.

“Adam & Eve” (one for the Ladies)

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability.”

Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, it’d be so great!

When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please …”

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

“Fine,” God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, what’s left here? Oh yes, the brains….”

Mess with Tess

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of Dublin and was in a hurry. As they went by St. Patrick’s Cathedral the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1220 and it was completed in 1260.

The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ church like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”

Parliament House next – Started construction in 1729, completed 1739.

“Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”

As they passed the 170,000 square feet of the Guinness Storehouse the cabby was silent. “Whoa! What’s that over there?”

“Damned if I know, wasn’t there yesterday…”

Lil’ Shan

One day, a gal named Shannon was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ”It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Shannon cried. 

”Honey,” said Brian, “Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!”

Careful Lads

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking the husband cries out, “Watch out for the bloody wall!”

The Scheduler

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”

“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.

“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”

“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”

“Hm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”

“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

Bargain Hunter

A young Irish girl was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the lass shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the girl turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then she flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”