An old cowboy goes into a barber and asks for a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because of the wrinkles and old age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

Good Ol’ Dad

When I was a kid, my dad worked for ODOT, but he got caught stealing and got fired. I refused to believe that he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

Be Brief

I was asked to say a few words at my friend’s funeral. Standing there, tears welling up, all I could manage to choke out was, ‘Plethora.’ His wife looked at me, nodded, and said, ‘Thank you, that means a lot.'”

“Then the next guy got up, clearly inspired, and just said, ‘Earth.’ The widow’s eyes widened, a tear rolled down her cheek, and she whispered, ‘Oh, thank you. That… that means the world!'”

“A third friend approached the podium, took a deep breath, and solemnly declared, ‘Waterhole.’ The widow, looking a little confused but still gracious, simply replied, ‘I know you meant well.'”

“Just as the service seemed to conclude, another friend stood up, paused dramatically, and announced, ‘Totality.’ The widow’s face softened, and with a heartfelt nod, she thanked him, adding, ‘That means everything.'”

“Then, from the back of the room, a woman slowly stood up. With a quiet, intense voice, she uttered, ‘Underestimate.’ The widow’s eyes met hers, and a knowing, solemn look passed between them as she responded, ‘Thank you. That means more than you know.'”

“Lastly, a man rose from his seat near the front. With a confident smile, he stated, ‘Bargain.’ The woman, now looking directly at him, thanked him warmly and said, ‘Oh, yes. That means a great deal.'”

Dating Isn’t Easy

I finally got the nerve to ask the new girl in the office out. Our first nine dates were mostly going out to dinner, then finally we went to see a movie. It went like this: dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner… BATMAN!

Perspective My Son

A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So, he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

“What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70s or early ’80s model Dodge pickup,” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

It’s the Little Things

A yuppie opened the door of his new BMW. Suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, looked what they’ve done to my Beemer,” he whined.

“You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!” said the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid car, that you didn’t even notice your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh, my gaaawd,” screamed the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody shoulder where his arm once was. “Where’s my Rolex?”

Help Me Too

A bum asks a man for two dollars.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said, “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Tech Savy

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job.”

Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded files.

They did some genealogy reports.

They created labels and cards.

They did every known job.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and-of course-the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”