By Joe McDonough
What’s the Craic: Inevitably
Mick and Danny were at the pub quietly nursing a couple of pints when Mick proclaimed to Danny, “When I was young, I was poor, but after many years of hard work, I am no longer young.”
From One Beer Lover
O’Toole and his wife were sitting on their patio watching the sun set. He says, “I love you.” His wife had not heard those words in a while, so she asked, “Is that you talking, or is that your beer talking?”
O’Toole replies, “That’s me talking to my beer.”
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Win Win
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
He said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on will ya, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I dunno , I thought you were watching the dice.”
Timing Is Everything
Mick says to Paddy, “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says, “Well the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
He’s A Quiet Man
Mary Kate Danaher, a spry 85-year-old widow, went on a blind date with Sean Thornton, a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, her daughter thought that her mother seemed rather upset.
“What happened?” the daughter asked. “You look as if you are upset after your date.”
“I had to slap his face three times!” Mary Kate replied.
“You mean he got fresh with you?” the daughter asked.
“No, not at all, I thought the old codger was dead!”
Make Them Pay
Garda McMisny sees a little old lady walking down a Dublin street, dragging two plastic garbage bags. While he is watching her, he observes that there is a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while, a €20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
As she goes to pass him, the policeman stops her. “Excuse me ma’am, but did you know there are €20 notes falling out of that bag?”
“Dear me!” says the little old lady. “I had better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning officer.”
“Well now, not so fast. How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no,” says the little old lady. “You see me back garden backs up to the stadium parking area. After each hurling match or football game, a lot of fans pee in me hedges, right into me flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and say, ‘€20 or off it goes!’”
“Fair play!” laughs the officer. “Well good luck. By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Oh that,” the little old lady replies, “not all of them pay.”
Nothing But the Best
Kieran from Galway, a fresh-faced guy with a mischievous glint in his eye, walked into a high-end jewelry store late last Friday evening with a strikingly beautiful woman at his side. Kieran told the jeweler he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
Kieran said, “Nah, that’s cute, but I’m thinking something a bit more…wow.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $500,000.00,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
Young Kieran, seeing her reaction, told the jeweler, “I think we’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and Kieran stated, “By check. But I know you’ll need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now. You can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds, and we’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned Kieran and said, “There’s no money in your account!”
“I know,” said Kieran with a chuckle … “but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!”
Wee Wee
Monaghan was reminiscing and said, “When I was a little kid, my dad would swear and then say, “Excuse my French.” Then one day, my 3rd grade teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language, so I raised my hand.”
Dire Consequences
Mick McGrath was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, Mick asked to speak to his son, and said, “Don’t be nervous boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me … your mother is going to live with you.”
