By Joe McDonough
Job Hopper
As I kneeled in front of a cute blond in a short skirt with a pair of size 4 heels, I couldn’t help but to have a quick glance at her knickers.
“Hey Cheeky!” she said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is so you can have a peek up a skirt, isn’t it?”
“That’s absolutely preposterous madam!” I said sternly. “I don’t even work here.”
Bad Kid
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?” Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?” Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?” Student: “Homework!”
Darwinian
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mum was talking about her side of the family.”
A Way with Words
Paddy thinks he is so bloody smart; he told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
The Real World
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the University College Dublin, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replied, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquired, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A Wise Choice
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun placed a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Growing Old Together
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down, so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to be writing it down,” she said.
The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”
So, he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the flippin’ toast?”
Travelling Abroad
An Irish husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the waitress, “We’re from overseas and before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”
Do As Your Told
A bank robber pulled out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!”
The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say, ‘or you’re history?'”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
Shrewd Business
Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”
“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the men. “And you’ll only be getting fifteen from me too,” adds the other.
Little Rascals
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral, crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
Mind Your Monkey
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman, who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey back to the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
This Just In: BORDERLIGHT THEATRE FESTIVAL UNVEILS WINNER OF 2024 FESTIVAL ARTWORK CONTEST
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Joe McDonogh
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
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