CURRENT ISSUE:  OCTOBER 2023

Joe Mcdonough

Wise Craics: April Funnies

By Joe McDonough

To The Point

A duck walks into a Dublin bar and says, “Do ya have duck food here?”

The bartender says ,”No” and the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and says ,”Do ya have duck food?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck comes back the next day and says, “Do ya have any duck food?”
The bartender says, “Now I already told you ‘No’ twice! If ya come back and ask me again, I’m going to be nailin yer bloody feet to me floor!”

The duck comes back the next day and says, “Let me ask you something… ya have any nails?”

The bartender says,”No.”

“Do ya have any duck food?”

Enough is Enough…

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”

“Why do you say that?” he asks innocently.

“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

Better Together

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up”, said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Well now tell me then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?”, inquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I’d be hating to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

Future Banker

A young boy enters the town barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “Meet the dumbest lad in all the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts two euros in one hand and one euro in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the one euro and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “The lad never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey there lad! May I ask you a question? Now why did you take the one euro instead of the two?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the two euros the game is over!”

Relativity

A bloke said to God, “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”

God  says yes.

The bloke said, “God, is it true that to you a billion euros is like one cent?”

God says yes.

The guy said, “God, how about giving me one of them cents?”

God said, “Sure, just a second.”

Wise Investments

A Donegal attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Paddy, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested 5.000,00 € in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of 15-20 million €. I think she could be right.”

Paddy replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. Give it to me lad. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

Bad Kids

One year past, on Mother’s Day, two children ordered their mother to stay in bed on Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon, eggs & black pudding floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

“As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “we decided to cook our own breakfast.”

Some Friend

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home to Galway,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home to Galway, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home.

“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here.”

What a Deal

My pal once called a few house painters to his house for some work. He wanted them to paint his porch. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Before leaving they told him that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche.

One From Aunt Gussie

Father Murphy was walking down the street when a well-dressed man got out of new Mercedes, rushed up to him and shook his hand. “Father Murphy, my name is Paddy Sullivan. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

“Oh?” said Father Murphy. ‘Wy is that?’

Paddy replied, “Three years ago, I was on the verge of bankruptcy and divorce when I went to one of your sermons about temperance. It was the one about the alcoholic who spent all his money in the pub while his wife and children went about barefoot, but the family of the pub owner are dressed in the finest silks and linens.”

“Are you telling me that you gave up the drink there and then and turned to the narrow path of righteousness, is that it?”

“Not at all,” replied Paddy. “I’m telling you that I opened a pub.” –  Alice Green of North Olmsted

See more of Joe’s Wise Craics columns HERE

Joe McDonogh

Joe McDonogh

*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.

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