By Joe McDonough
Aunt Gussie Rides Again
A very rich Dublin politician is approached by a charity worker, who is concerned that the politician didn’t donate any money to charity.
“First of all,” says the politician, “my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Secondly, I have five kids through three failed marriages. Third, my sister’s husband recently died, and she has no one to support her four children.”
“I’m terribly sorry,” says the charity worker, “I feel bad about asking for your money.” “So, you should,” replies the politician. “If I’m not giving them any money, why should I give any to you?”
The Proof is in the Puddin'
A man and his wife were at a family wedding. The man came back from the bar with two glasses of whisky and set one down in front of her.
“What’s this?” she asked, surprised. “I asked you for a sweet sherry!”
“Never mind that,” said the man. “Drink it!”
She picked up the glass and sniffed it warily. Then she took a tiny sip and instantly screwed up her face. “That’s disgusting!” she exclaimed.
“Exactly!” said the man. “And you think that when I’m out with my mates every night, drinking that, I’m enjoying myself!”
Elemental
New research has uncovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element is Governmentium (Gv).
It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
Doc, It Hurts When I do This. Don’t Do That!
A guy comes to his doctor, and says, “Hi, Doc …well … every time I put my finger on my elbow, uuuuuuhhhhhh … so painful. Every time I put my finger on my leg … uuuuuhhhhh … so painful … Every time I put my finger on my head … uuuuhhhh … so painful. Everytime I put my finger on my belly … uuuuhhhh … so painful. Do I suffer Fibromyalgia????”
“No,” said the Doctor, “I’m afraid you’ve got a broken finger.”
Lift with the Knees
Paddy O’Toole, the strongest man in Ireland, was making his way home from the pub. As he passed the peat bog, he heard a voice:
“Help! Please Help!”
Paddy finds a man stuck in the peat with just his head and shoulders sticking out. “No Problem,” says Paddy. “I’m Paddy O’Toole, the strongest man in Ireland – I will pull you out!”
Paddy gets hold and starts pulling. Despite his efforts the man remains stuck. “I’ll try again,” says Paddy. But after a couple of minutes more of heaving and pulling he gives up.
“It’s no use! I’m Paddy O’Toole, the strongest man in Ireland, and if I can’t get you out, nobody can. I will just have to nip back to the village and get some help.”
As Paddy turns to leave the man shouts to him. “Paddy! Paddy! Before you go, do you think it would help if I took my feet out of the stirrups?”
Contextually
A farmer saw thieves stealing from one of his sheds. He immediately phoned the police.
He was told “sorry, we can’t send anyone for over an hour.”
“But if you come now, you can catch them red-handed.”
“Sorry, no one available for over an hour.”
The farmer hung up, waited two or three minutes, then phoned the police again. “There’s no rush to send anyone now,” he told them.
“Oh, why is that?” he was asked.
“Because I just shot them. They’re not going anywhere at all now.”
Three armed response units were at his house five minutes later.
Fitness Dr.: Should Men and Women Eat Different Breakfasts to Lose Weight?
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Irish Lit: The Fascination of What’s Difficult
Throughout history, Literature has been a beacon for the Irish; today, it is more accomplished and available than ever. Let’s talk about the Craic
Wise Craics: Irish Jokes, Humor, Stories
Need a Laugh? Or many times that? Check out the Wise Craics words for this month
To read more Wise Craics, click HERE
Joe McDonough
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
