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Wise Craics: Irish Jokes, Humor, Stories
- iIrish Admin
- December 27, 2024
- Edited 6 hours ago
Table of Contents
By Joe McDonough
One From Aunt Gussie
Mrs. Mulcahy came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey, and two loaves of bread. Mr. Mulcahy inquired, “Are we expecting guests?” “No.” replied his wife.
“Then why in the world did you buy so much bread?” (Happy 97th Birthday Aunt Gussie)
On the Throne
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text, ” If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, typically un-romantic, replied, ” I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
Skilled Trades
A zebra walks into a Bar, sits down and orders a double whiskey. The bar is shocked and amazed, but just stands in awe watching the Zebra drinking and eating peanuts.
Drink after drink, the Zebra orders, until finally, the barman can take it no more.
You are amazing, I’ve never seen a talking Zebra before. You should get so the circus that’s in town, they’d love you…
Oh cool, says the Zebra, they looking for plumbers?
With Friends Like This
Patrick and Michael were the best of friends. One day they decided to go bicycling, but when they got to the rental shop, all that was left was a tandem.
They decided to take it anyway, and Patrick got on in front. They rode for a while down the scenic country roads until they came to a steep hill.
They stopped and looked up. “Begorrah, that’s the tallest hill in all Ireland!” exclaimed Patrick.
“It is, so it is” replied Michael “We’ll have our work cut out for us, sure.”
And so, they started up the hill, each pedaling as hard as he could. Soon the sweat was pouring off and they were gasping for breath. “Faith, this is a steep hill” gasped Patrick. “It is, so it is” exclaimed Michael, and they pedaled even harder.
At last, they reached the top and stopped to catch their breath. “Saints preserve us, that was the steepest, tallest and hardest hill in all Ireland!” said Patrick.
“It was, so it was,” said Michael. “And if I hadn’t kept the brakes on we’d have rolled right back down!”
The Perfect Crime
A rich playboy had so many girlfriends that he hadn’t enough time to entertain them all. So he made a research lab an offer they couldn’t refuse and got them to clone him, in order to balance the load.
However, the cloning technique hadn’t been perfected, causing the clone to suffer from Tourette’s Syndrome. By and by, the clone’s obscenities caused the girlfriends to run away.
Eventually the playboy decided something had to be done, so he took the clone to The Cliffs of Moher and pushed him over. He thought he’d got away with it, but shortly after the police arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.
Divine Intervention
Stosh went ice fishing. He’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his comfy stool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, Stosh moved further down the ice, swigged down a beer, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Stosh, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, swigged down another beer, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice came once more: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
He stopped, looked skyward, and said, ” Is that you, Lord?”
The voice replied, “No, I’m the Ice-Rink Manager!”
Bad Dog
An insurance salesman is visiting a remote Irish farmstead. He parks at the foot of the drive and walks up to the house to find an old Labrador lying on the porch.
As he tries to step over it, it speaks, “Watch where you’re stepping, buddy!”
The salesman almost faints with shock. “You can talk!”
“Yeah, sure”, says the dog. “I’ve made a pretty good career out of it.”
Intrigued, the salesman asks to hear more.
“Well”, says the dog, “it all began back in ’81. My owner found out about this gift I had and turned me into a travelling sideshow. ‘Course, all I had to do was do simple skits, a few words, a couple jokes; it was beneath me, but it paid well.
“Anyway, I was spotted by some government types, and got recruited by the CIA. They taught me to speak Russian, and I was infiltrated into secret bases all over the Soviet Union.
“I mean, who’s gonna suspect a dog, right? I was the most effective source of intelligence throughout the entire cold war; I can’t tell you how many times I saved the world with my timely intel.
“After the cold war ended, I got moved to the FBI, rooting out terrorist cells: same gig, different bad guys. In the end, after becoming the FBI’s most decorated agent, I was retired; I had my pick of the lady dogs as they tried to breed a successor with my gift, but I guess I’m just unique. So, I ended up in retirement here in Ireland, filling my days in comfort and peace.”
The salesman is practically bursting at this. Just then the farmer emerges from the farmhouse. “How much do you want for this incredible dog?” yells the salesman. “I’ll pay any price!”
The farmer spits. “Ye can have him for nothin.”
The salesman is even more flabbergasted. “How can you give away such an incredible animal? A talking dog with such an amazing story?”
The farmer laughs. “Cos he’s a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
Wise Craics: Irish Jokes, Humor, Stories
December 27, 2024
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The Irish have always been great writers, this month’s selection is no different. …
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Joe McDonough
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
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