iIrish Trivia, Puzzles, Games & More
November 26, 2024
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Oh the Games People Play Now … Puzzles and Trivia and Shamrock Squares and More
Wise Craics: Irish Jokes, Humor, Stories
- iIrish Admin
- November 26, 2024
- Edited 2 hours ago
Table of Contents
By Joe McDonough
Courageous, Valiant, Brave, Fearless
A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you, we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So, I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen? asked St. Peter”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
Lost Sheep
Two gents are out hunting, and as they’re walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole. I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”
The second hunter says,” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “There’s an old gearbox over there, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.
So, they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around, they see a sheep come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, then gazing into the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
“Say there”, says the farmer, “You fellas didn’t happen to see my sheep around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a sheep came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
And the old farmer said… “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old gearbox!”
Good Clean Livin’
Two Irishmen are in a graveyard.
Paddy starts reading the gravestones.”Mick” he says. Would you look at this, a feller here who was 90 when he died!”
“Who’s that?” says Mick.
“Somebody called O’Toole from Kerry,” he replies.
Mick says, “Never mind him, there’s a feller here called Murphy, was 99 when he died! From Castletown of all places!
“Well, that’s nothing!” says Paddy.
“What about what is written on this feller’s stone, here right beside the gate!”
“The stone says 147!”
“147? That’s amazing!” says Mick.
“Who was he?”
“Well according to the stone, it’s somebody named Miles from Dublin.
Semantics
I went to a job interview this week. The interviewer said to me that I had put on my resume that I was very quick at mental arithmetic.
“What’s nineteen multiplied by seventeen?” he asked.
Quick as a flash I replied, “Thirty-four.”
“That’s wrong,” he said.
But it was very quick, I pointed out.
Let’s Party
The Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop of Canterbury decide to go fishing. They hire a boat and row out to the middle of the lake. However, it’s a very hot day and within an hour or two, all the beer is gone.
“Let’s row back to the shore and get a carry-out from the local pub,” says the Pope.
“No need for that,” says the Dalai Lama, and he steps over the side of the boat and walks across the surface of the water to the shore, then goes to the pub. Ten minutes later he’s back with more beer. He walks across the water to the boat and steps inside.
Half an hour later they’ve run out of beer again. This time the Pope says, “My turn!” He looks over the side of the boat and a big smile appears on his face. Then he steps over and walks across the water to the shore. Ten minutes later he’s back with yet more beer. Again, he walks across the water to the boat.
Half an hour later, the beer is finished once more. The Archbishop steps over the side of the boat and instantly sinks below the surface. The other two drag him back aboard. As he lies coughing and spluttering in the bottom of the boat, the Pope says, “D’you think we should have told him about the steppingstones?”
Trouble at the Ponsonby-Smythe House
Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe got a phone call from his wife, who was in a state of panic. “George!” she sobbed. “There’s a gorilla in the apple tree in the front garden!”
“A gorilla?” Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe echoed. “Nonsense, woman. Have you been at the gin again?”
“No, George,” she replied. “It’s a real gorilla – it must have escaped from the zoo or a circus or something. It’s sitting in the apple tree growling at everyone who walks past. It’s just thrown an apple at Mrs. Bell from No. 23!”
“Did it hit her?” Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe asked, then said, “No, never mind that. I’ll come home straight away.”
He drove home and, sure enough, as he pulled into the driveway, he saw a huge, fierce gorilla in the apple tree. It spotted him and growled, then threw an apple at him – he just ducked in time.
He went into the house, where his wife was nervously looking out the window from behind the net curtain. “George, what are we going to do?” she asked.
Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe picked up the Yellow Pages. “It’s simple, Miriam – there are bound to be professional people who can deal with this sort of thing.”
He looked up ‘Gorilla Catchers’ but there was only one firm listed. He dialed the number and after a few rings the phone was answered. “Bloggs and Wilson, Gorilla Catchers. Bloggs speaking!”
“Good afternoon – my name is Ponsonby-Smythe. There is a gorilla in the apple tree in my garden, and I need you to come and catch it!”
“I’m very sorry, sir,” replied Bloggs. “I’m afraid Wilson is off sick at the moment, so we’re unable to take on any jobs.”
“But this is urgent!” said Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe. “It’s in the tree, causing a scene – I’m sure the property values are reducing even as we speak! There must be something you can do!”
“Well …” said Bloggs. “Catching a gorilla is a two-man job, but if you’re willing to fill Wilson’s role then we should be able to pull it off.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes,” promised Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe, and gave Bloggs his address.
Twenty minutes later, a battered Transit van bearing the sign “BLOGGS AND WILSON – GORILLA CATCHERS” pulls up outside. The driver got out, went round to the back of the van, opened the doors, and brought out a large rifle, a set of manacles, and a vicious-looking Rottweiler dog which barked and snarled. The man came up to the front door and rang the bell.
“Good afternoon, sir. I’m Bloggs,” said the man when Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe answered. “I can see the gorilla in your tree – he’s a big ‘un, isn’t he? We’d best get started right away.”
“That’s fine,” said Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” replied Bloggs. “You stand there with the manacles while I climb the tree. I will wrestle with the gorilla and push him out of the tree. The instant he hits the ground, the dog is trained to leap forward and bite the gorilla’s testicles. This will distract him long enough for you to put the manacles on him. Then I can load him into the back of the van and take him away.”
“I understand,” said Mr. Ponsonby-Smythe. “But what is the rifle for?”
“That is actually the most important part of the whole operation,” replied Bloggs. “If by any chance the gorilla should happen to push me out of the tree, you must instantly shoot the dog!”
One From Aunt Gussie
Overheard at Giant Eagle: “My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything!”
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Joe McDonough
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
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