By Joe McDonough
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”
The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar, and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a pint.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “Yeah great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds, “Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a pint. The bartender tells her, “Sorry Miss, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the pint. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a pint as well.
Again, the bartender says, there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
There was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job.
Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair, the switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandonment. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair, the switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so, he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped into the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”
One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver who looks a bit like him: “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea,” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So, they switch clothes, and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. “What are these guys in big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man’s message was: “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
“If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, “Have you completed the month with sex?”
“Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple.
“How about you?” He asks the middle-aged couple.
“It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
“And how about you two?” He asks the young couple.
“No we couldn’t do it,” responds the boyfriend.
“Tell me why,” says the priest.
“Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.”
The priest then tells them, “You’re not welcome in my church.”
“We’re not welcome in the supermarket either,” says the boyfriend.
“Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor replies, “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
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*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
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