By Joe McDonough
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer? The rain gets warmer.
Why shouldn’t you iron a three-leaf shamrock? You don’t want to press your luck.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes? They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? They’re always a little short.
What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture.
What does it mean when you find a horseshoe in Ireland? Some poor horse is going barefoot.
What do you call an Irish baker? A ginger bread man.
My grandmother was 80% Irish. Her name was Iris.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned,” an Irish girl said. “My boyfriend held my hand twice, kissed me three times and made love to me twice.”
“Go home, squeeze seven lemons and drink it straight down,” the priest said.
“Will it help?” she asked.
“No, but it will get that silly smile off your face!”
A couple just had their first son. The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian, both wish to have their son named after their heritage. After much argument, they decided on the name. Ravi O’Lee.
A man walks into a confessional, “Father Murphy forgive me for I’ve sinned.”
“Yes my son,” replied the priest “What do you need to confess?”
“I committed all of the seven deadly sins in less than 30-minutes.”
“Did you now?” asked the Priest. “And exactly how did you manage this?”
“Well”, the man started, “I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share them with anyone.”
Father Murphy signed and shook his head, “Well my son, that’s only six. You forgot pride.”
“Actually Father, I’m pretty proud of this!”
Paddy and Murphy are sitting around the airport.
Murphy says, “I wish I’d brought the television.”
Paddy asks, “Why? Are you bored?”
Murphy says, “No, the passports are on top of it.”
A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“Now what’d you go do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do ya?”
The man says: “No, but to be sure my wife out in the car still does!”
Is There Still Such a Thing?
Maggie was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect.
Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say: “We have Maggie on the line. Will you accept the charges?”
Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside, screaming: “Dad! They have mum! And they want money!”
Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.
While this is going on, banker number one puts something in banker number two’s hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers: “What’s all this?”
Banker number one replies: “It’s that $50 I owe ya.”
An Irishman and his son walk into a zoo. One of the signs says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age.”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps its foot 6 times.
“Wow,” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun. A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice.
“B’jaysus that’s right,” said the father, “I am farty two!”
- Terry from Derry: A Eulogy
- Pittsburgh Irish Fest Gallery Sept. 8-10, 2023
- This Just In: New Irish Language & Gaeltacht Growth Plan
- Taking the Fields of Glory: USGAA Championships Gallery, Denver, CO. August 18-20, 2023
- Taking the Fields of Glory: Midwest Championships Gallery, Cleveland, Ohio August 4-6, 2023, with Achill, Ireland Team & Pipe Band too!
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman’s Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman’s To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities have made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.