By Joe McDonough
After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
“So, the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” No,” replies the doctor, “take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. “Two weeks later, the doctor walks down the street and sees the patient’s wife.” Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh, he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs. Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets, he would be all right.”, “Oh, the tablets were fine,” says Mrs. Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”
“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered.
“Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little rascal!” he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!
“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, I’ll chop his
willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT
Better of the Two
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life, when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
“Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s,” replied Sean.
“‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engine plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to have failed. There’s nothing to worry about, but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.”
Five minutes later, he said, “Nothing to worry about, ladies and gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.”
A moment later, “Er…sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up, and we will now be two hours later than expected.
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. “Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night.”
For What It’s Worth
Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. ‘Where did you get this?’ asks the expert. It’s been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure,’ replies Paddy, ‘and I think it must be some kind of a family heirloom.” I see,’ says the expert. ‘Tell me, do you have insurance?”
No,’ replies Paddy. ‘Do you think I should?” Yeah,’ replies the expert. ‘It’s your water tank.
Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones. “Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us”
Paddy called as he caught his breath. “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?” Joseph called. “My friends are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!”
Not a Notre Dame
Murphy lost his eye in an accident and couldn’t afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house. Finally, his friend Paddy came over and forced him to go out.
“There’s a dance over at the club,” he said.
“So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?”
“All right,” said Murphy, “but if anybody makes fun of my eye I’m leaving.”
He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage.
And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.
“She’s worse off than me,” Murphy thought. “The least I can do is ask her to dance.
He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl.
Would you care to dance? he asked.
Would I?!” she exclaimed.
“That does it,” he shouted, “Hunchback! Hunchback!”
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