By Joe McDonough
Multi-Tasking
A small boy was sent to bed by his father. Two minutes go by and he hears, “Daaaaaad bring me a glass of water will ya?”
“No, you’ve had yer chance. Lights out!”
Five minutes later, “Daaaaad – I’m thirsty. Bring me some water please!”
“I’ve told ya already. No water. Lights out. Ask me again and I’m gonna smack ya!”
A few minutes pass and he hears, “Dad?”
“WHAT?” says the father. “When you come up to smack me, bring a glass of water.”
Goodbye For Now
A Dublin wife got so mad at her husband, she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope ya die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So then, you want me to stay?”
The Best Policy
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, “Well son, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”
Can’t Bear It
A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can’t outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, “Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, O Lord, please let this bear be a Catholic!”
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, “Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive…”
Long Distance
My girlfriend and I are trying this whole, “long distance relationship” thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
New Horizons
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, so it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
Rising Prices
The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive down to The Lismore Loop, then pulled over to fill up our car’s gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, “Now why in the world do they charge for AIR?”
I responded, “Inflation.”
Careful Sean
One day Paddy went to see Sean. Sean had a big swollen nose.
“Aye! What happened, Sean?” Paddy asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Sean replied.
“What?” Paddy said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Sean replied, “There was in this one!”
Higher Education
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A student from Ireland pipes in from the back of the room, “Yeah, right.”
Wait For It
For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch, so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
Sean replied, “There was in this one!”
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See more of Joe’s Wise Craics columns HERE
Joe McDonogh
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
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