by Maury Collins
Paddy says, “I just got handed a leaflet from a couple of guys, it said be a Jehovah’s Witness.”
Mick says what did you tell them? Paddy replied, I didn’t even see the accident, so how can I be a witness?
An Englishman’s got a vanload of monkeys. He’s taking them to the zoo. About halfway there, his van breaks down, so he pulls over. He looks in his rear-view mirror and he sees Paddy coming up behind him with an empty van, so he pulls him over.
The Englishman says, “Paddy, if I give you $50, will you take these monkeys to the zoo for me?”
“Not a problem,” he says. They load them up, and Paddy’s off down the road. A while later, the Englishman’s getting his van fixed, and who does he see coming down the far side? It’s Paddy, with his vanload of monkeys.
He pulls him over and says, “Paddy, I thought I gave you $50 to take those monkeys to the zoo for me.”
Paddy says, “You did, but we had a few dollars left over, so we’re off to the cinema now!”
Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out. They realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi, so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout.
After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mick, so he looks through the gate. He sees Mick running from bus to bus looking worried. “What the hell are ye doing?” hissed Paddy.
Mick replies, “I can’t find a number 6 bus anywhere, Paddy.”
Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barks, “You idiot Mick, steal a number 8 and we’ll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way.”
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate’s been hit by a car. “Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.”
Operator: ‘What is your location sir?’
Paddy: “Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence…. (heavy breathing) and after a minute: “Are you there, sir?’ More heavy breathing and another minute later. “Sir, can you hear me?’ This goes on for another few minutes. “Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?”
Paddy: “Yes, sorry about that… I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.”
Mick was going to see Paddy. He went to his farm and Paddy’s wife Mary said he’s out in the barn. When Mick walked into the barn, he saw Paddy dancing naked in front of his tractor. Mick says, “What are you doing Paddy?”
Paddy replies, “You know me and Mary were having problems in the bed room, so we went to a therapist and he said do something sexy to a tractor”
Paddy says to Mary, “If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?”
“My Uncle Mick,” replies Mary.
“What’s so special about him?” asks Paddy.
“He’s got a boat,” says Mary.