By Joe McDonough
Day of Rest
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving. Late on Sunday evening, he was found in a tree by an amazed onlooker.
“What happened?” said the man.
Liam replied, “My parachute failed to open!”
“Well!” said the man, “if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday!”
Literally
When Billy saw Paddy with one of his shoelaces undone, he said, “Watch you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”
Paddy said, “Yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”
Billy said, “What instructions, Paddy?”
Paddy replies, “Underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”
Miracle Worker
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Good Question
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher, “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney, “Where are ye callin’ from?”
Begging You Please
A man goes to the church in desperation, “Please God, let me win the Lotto. Please God, the kids have no shoes on their feet, please let me win the lotto. The wife is poorly and we haven’t got the money for the medicine. Please let me win the lotto.”
There’s a clap of thunder and a big booming voice is heard to say, “Meet me halfway Paddy and buy a flippin’ ticket!
Profiling
An Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Nigerian, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, an Ethiopian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Senegalese, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, a Ghanian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Mauritanian, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, a Kenyan, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tanzanian, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, a Liberian, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a South African, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant …
“I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, scrutinizing the group one by one as he stops them from entering, “You can’t come in here without a Thai.”
Good ol’ Grandad
I’ll always remember what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket…
He said, “Grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Considerate Saint
What did St. Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?
"Are you alright in the back there lads?"
The Right Ingredients
An English man, a Scot, and an Irishman were captured by cannibals, and taken before the village chief.
He looked at them, and asked one “Where are you from?”
“Why, I’m from jolly old England!” the Brit declared.
“Put him in the pot!” ordered the chief, and in he went.
Turning his attention to the remaining 2, he asked the same question.
The Scot replied that he was from the Scottish Highlands.
“Put him in the pot!” ordered the chief, again, and in went the Scot.
Looking at the last captive, the chief asked once more “Where are you from?”
“Why I’m from the Emerald Island of Ireland, of course!” he said.
The chief frowned and instructed several of the strongest village men to take him far from the village, and turn him loose.
As the pot was being filled with water, and vegetables, the English man complained “I say; why do we stay, while he goes free?”
The chief scowled at him and told him, “The last Irishman ate all the potatoes!”
Careful For What You Wish For
Two Irish politicians were talking over their pints, in a pub. They were trying to figure how to get the US to send Foreign Aid money, to improve their land.
One suggested making war on America, since they always rebuilt the countries they defeated.
The other thought about it a few moments, took another sip, and asked “But what if we won? Then what would we do?”
Choose a Side
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says:
“You know what I want, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole bed by the looks of it!”
The other thought about it a few moments, took another sip, and asked “But what if we won? Then what would we do?”
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Belfast Giants’ North American Links Captivate the Emerald Isle
See more of Joe’s Wise Craics columns HERE
Joe McDonogh
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
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