By Joe McDonough
Holy Cow
A pair of cows were talking in a Tipperary pasture. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Sure,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
Shrink Rap
Two of the fellas ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.
“Hello there,” said the one. “Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”
Herbivorous Insect Humor
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bar man looks at him and says, “Ya know, they named a drink after you!”
“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Thomas?”
Good Question
On an Aer Lingus Cleveland to Dublin flight was a lively young lad who nearly drove everyone out of their minds. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.
As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”
Library Line
In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.
“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“And may I take out record albums, too?”
“Yes, you may.”
“May I take you out?” he ventured.
Drawing herself up to her full height, she replied, “The librarians, sir, are for reference only.”
Be Clear
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other man whips out his cell phone and calls for help.
“I think my good friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, he says, “That’s done, now what?”
At Your Service
At Your Service
Mrs. McGilly was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”
Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”
Trust Me
When Paddy began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. Paddy motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure.
Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.
“Now then,” he asked, “how did your troubles begin?”
“Just like this,” she said.
Needs & Wants
“I wish I had enough money to buy me an elephant.”
“Now what on earth do you be needing an elephant for?”
“I don’t, I just need the money.”
Complimentary
While the local Monsignor was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid him the compliment of suggesting that his successor would not be as good as he had been.
“Nonsense,” Monsignor replied, flattered.
“No, really,” she insisted. “I’ve lived here under five different Monsignor’s and each new one has been worse than the last.”
Over It
The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his one-year-old on his lap, just as the little lad began to cry and fidget.
“The child is spoiled, isn’t he?” the old man remarked.
“No,” says the dad. “They all smell this way.”
The Web
I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste my money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”
I’ll tell you this: The spider never knew what hit him
Two Choices
“Hello, Reverend Flahavan? This is the Internal Revenue Service. Is John Devaney a member of your congregation?”
“He is.”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
One from Aunt Gussie
Late one cold night, Jack Gallagher was busy working away with his brother Sean when he said, “I always feel a bit sad when I take down the Christmas lights. But they’ll look much better on our house. (submitted by Alice Green)
This Just In: BorderLight Theatre Festival Announces Special Programming
This Just In: Cleveland Public Market Corporation Assumes Operation of West Side Market, Names Staff
Belfast Giants’ North American Links Captivate the Emerald Isle
See more of Joe’s Wise Craics columns HERE
Joe McDonogh
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
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