By Joe McDonough
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. “Well, how can I help you little people?” asked Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked, “Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
“No,” says Mother Superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
“All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
“No, no,” replied Mother Superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
“Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?”
“No, I would not; there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied Mother Superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?”
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it’s as I told you all along… you’ve been dating a penguin!”
Busy NYC
Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians.” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
Opportunity Knocks
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband’s death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word, and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So, she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”
The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale.”
Two Fer
Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription, “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”
Heavens now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave.
Modesty
An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’
Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’
Happy Hour
The Doctor was puzzled, ‘I’m very sorry Mr. O’Flaherty, but I can’t diagnose your trouble. I think it must be the drink.’
‘Don’t worry about it, Dr. Cullen, I’ll come back when you’re sober,’ said O’Flaherty.
Diagnosis
‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Dr. Cullen.
‘I don’t know, Doctor. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon, and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs. Murphy.
Location, location, location
As he was leaving the pub, after lifting a few pints, Patrick spotted his friend Timothy down on his hands and knees under the streetlight, looking for something on the ground.
“What is it you lost Timothy?” Patrick asked.
“It’s me watch. It fell off when I tripped over the pavement.”
So, Patrick joined in the search, but after looking for ages, they hadn’t found any sign of Timothy’s watch. “Where abouts did you fall?” Patrick asked.
“It was about a block up the street.”
“So why are we looking here Timothy?”
Patrick asked, scratching his head. “Sure, the light’s a lot better here.”
Timing
McGillicuddy told O’Brien, “One thing I learned in my years of drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in December.”
Speed Racer
Patrick, Murphy, and Seamus were making their way out of a pub in Dublin and flagged down a passing taxi. The taxi driver stopped and seeing that they were feeling good when they got in and probably weren’t paying attention to what was happening, he decided to play a trick on them.
When the three of them finally managed to get into the taxi and sit down, the taxi driver just switched on the engine and then switched it off again.
He turned around and said to them, “We are here lads.”
Patrick gave the driver the taxi fare, Murphy said thanks to him, but Seamus slapped him.
The taxi driver was stunned, because he had hoped that none of them would have realized the car didn’t move as much as an inch.
“So, what was that for?” the taxi driver asked.
“Next time don’t drive so fast” Seamus said.
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Joe McDonough
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.
