Wise Craics: Forgetful Doctor
By Joe McDonough
Forgetful Doctor
Dr. Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”
“Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?”
“You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
Dr. Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Car Park
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
City Workers
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
Indicators
Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
Dog Walker
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr. Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?”
Mr. Connors answers: “I had to have him put down.”
“Was he mad?” asks Billy.
Way to Cork
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy replies: “In the car.”
“Well, that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.
Mrs. Murphy
A sobbing Mrs. Murphy approaches Fr. O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Police Blotter
The Dublin Metropolitan Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache in a local suburb, which consists of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition. They also found 200 pounds of heroin and five million in forged bank notes.
This was all found in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library. Local residents were stunned by the news. Community spokesman Donal O’Flaherty said, “We are all shocked; we never knew we had a library.” (submitted by Gus Green/N. Olmsted)
Lost Pencil
Paddy and Murphy were working on a building-site when a large, slate tile slid off the roof and hit Murphy on the side of his head, slicing off his ear. Murphy screamed out, “My ear, my ear. Paddy I’ve lost my ear.”
After much shouting, screaming and frantic searching, Paddy cries out, “Murphy, I’ve found it.
Holding up a bloody ear Paddy says, “Murphy, is this your ear?”
To which a puzzled Murphy replies, “No Paddy, mine had a pencil behind it “
Drowning Sorrows
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.”
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone, I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looks up at Tim.
“How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda… No, in fact, he got out three times to pee.”
