A Collection of Classic Jokes: From Legal Fees to Chess Cats

Quick Escalation
A bloke asks a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says.
“My oh my, that’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” he asks.
“Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”

Overqualified
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall.
“What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

A Pinch of Powder
A tough old pub owner from Kilkenny counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Seems like a Lifetime
A kid is going to his first day of school, he looks worried, so his dad asks him, “What’s wrong?”
Nervously, the kid asks, “How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18,” says the father.

The kid nods and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says, “Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”

History Repeats
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Old Joke Reincarnated
“Make me one with everything,” says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, “Where is my change?”
The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”

Literally
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento.”

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

Smarty Cat
I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat.
I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever.

My cousin replied, “Absolutely not! She’s lost all her bloody matches!”

Night Job
Ireland’s oldest woman turned 114 today.
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night.

When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

So Far So Good
An eight-year-old boy had never spoken a word.

One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch, he turned to his mother and said, “Ma. The soup is cold.”
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?”

The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

Old Joke Recalculated
A Horse Walks into a Bar …

He approaches the bartender and says, “If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?”

The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “Y, the long face.”

Second Opinion
A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.
“Help! Is there anybody up there?” he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: “I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.

“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is there anybody else up there?”

Path of Least Resistance
A young man’s father passed away in his sleep. In the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

He replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause, and finally, he said, “How ‘bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?”