When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
by Maury Collins
Ian: My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o’clock this morning!
Mark: Did they wake you?
Ian: Nah…I was already up, playing my bagpipes.
A man moved to a nursing home. He soon noticed that a woman was constantly staring at him. After a few days, he approached her and asked, “Ma’am, why have you been staring at me all the time?”
“You look just like my third husband,” she replied.
“Well, how many times have you been married?” he asked.
She answered, “Twice.”
A lady fell into the water, and not being a swimmer, she called for help. A man jumped in to save her and grabbed her by the hair, but she was wearing a wig, and it came off. He then grabbed her by the chin, and her false teeth popped out. The man then yelled, “Somebody help me save all of this woman that we can!”
Hunter 1: We’re lost. Shoot three shots in the air. Hunter 2: Okay.
Hunter 1: If no one comes soon, go ahead and shoot three more.
Hunter 2: I hope someone comes soon. We’re getting low on arrows.
Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, “Hey, look at this great ball!” Tom replied, “What’s so great about it?”
“Well,” Bob said, “if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water, it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!”
“Wow!” said Tom. “Where did you get that from?”
Bob replied, “I found it.”
Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son opening the front door. She shouted, “Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; it’s just been waxed.”
Jimmy, walking right in, replied, “Don’t worry, Mom, I’m wearing my cleats.”
A fisherman accidentally left his day’s catch under the seat of a bus.
The next evening’s newspaper carried an ad: If the person who left a bucket of fish on the number 47 bus would care to come to the garage, he can have the bus.
Two friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. The optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. He had a plan: Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.
They got out to the middle of the lake, and the optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The optimist looked at his friend and said, “What do you think about that?”
The pessimist replied, “That dog can’t swim, can he?”
Troy: I’m a very famous speaker. I spoke at the Boston Gardens to thousands of people.
Paul: Really? What did you say?
Troy: Get your peanuts, popcorn, and cold drinks here!
Kim said to her friend, “I just don’t understand the attraction golf holds for men.”
“I know!” Rachel responded. “I went golfing with Roger one time, and he told me I asked too many questions.”
“I’m sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?”
“Oh, just things like, ‘Why did you hit the ball into that lake?’”
A father, teaching his teenage son to drive: Remember, stop on red, go on green, and take it easy when I turn purple.
Mr. and Mrs. Roberts had reached the airport just in the nick of time to catch the plane for their vacation in the Bahamas. “I wish we’d brought the piano with us,” said Mr. Roberts.
“Why on earth would we bring the piano?” asked his wife.
“I left the tickets on it.”
The graveside service just barely finished when there was tremendous bolt of lightning and a massive clap of thunder, followed by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the priest and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’
It’s Saint Patrick’s Day and an armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. As the robber is leaving with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs his hood and pulls it off revealing his face. The robber shoots the guy dead.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him so the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead too. Everyone is now terrified and looking down at the floor. The robber shouts angrily, “Did anyone else see my face?”
There’s a brief silence then one elderly Irish man, still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, “I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.”
Paddy wakes up in hospital the morning after St. Patrick’s Day, covered in bandages. He notices Mick sitting at his bedside, so he asks him, “What happened to me?”
“Well,” replies Mick, “You had a few too many drinks celebrating St. Patrick’s Day last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out the window and fly around the pub.”
“What! Why didn’t you stop me?” asks Paddy.
Mick says, “Stop you? Hell, I bet fifty dollars on you.”
* Maury Collins is a charter member and past president of the Toledo AOH division. He may be reached at [email protected].
Don’t Forget, Send Maury [email protected]) and John ([email protected]) your Toledo Irish events news and pics so we can let everyone know. Deadline is 10th of the month, for the following month, so Jan 10 for February issue, etc ….