CURRENT ISSUE: APRIL 2023

Wise Craics: The Barman Said …

Wise Craics: The Barman Said

By Joe McDonough

The barman said to Pat, “Your glass is empty, can I get you another one?”
Pat replied, “Why would I be needing two empty glasses?”

Bright Idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I need the day off. I’m gonna’ pretend I’ve gone mad!”
So Paddy climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts “I’m a light bulb, I’m a light bulb!” while Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts, “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
As Paddy leaves the site, Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the dark.” said Murphy.

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Condition

Barry goes into a bar and orders one Guinness and seven shots of Tequila. The barman serves the shots and, when he’s finished pouring the Guinness, sees that Barry has finished the shots.
“Wow,” he said. “You drank those quickly!”
“I know,” replied Barry. “You would too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” asked the barman.
Barry digs in his pocket and pulls out 50 cents.

Best Guess

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of donuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick: “If you can guess how many donuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”

Ticket

An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I’d like a return ticket,” he says.
“Where to?”
“To here!” says the Irishman.

Frog

A young Irish boy said to his grandfather, “Make a frog noise for me, Grandad.”
“No, son, I don’t feel like making a frog noise right now.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?”
“Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”

Wife

Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.

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Condition

Barry goes into a bar and orders one Guinness and seven shots of Tequila. The barman serves the shots and, when he’s finished pouring the Guinness, sees that Barry has finished the shots.
“Wow,” he said. “You drank those quickly!”
“I know,” replied Barry. “You would too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” asked the barman.
Barry digs in his pocket and pulls out 50 cents.





Condition

Barry goes into a bar and orders one Guinness and seven shots of Tequila. The barman serves the shots and, when he’s finished pouring the Guinness, sees that Barry has finished the shots.
“Wow,” he said. “You drank those quickly!”
“I know,” replied Barry. “You would too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” asked the barman.
Barry digs in his pocket and pulls out 50 cents.

Test

O’Malley is leaving his favorite bar when he is run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. O’Malley agrees to try, as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.
St. Peter decides to go easy on him. “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks.
O’Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.
“It’s a glove,” says St. Peter. “Let’s try again. What has ten fingers and is made of black leather?”
O’Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, he gives up.
“Why, it’s TWO gloves – don’t you see? Ten fingers, black leather?” says St. Peter, amazed.
Being in a generous mood, St Peter decides to give O’Malley one final chance and thinks of an even easier question.
“Okay. Who is the patron saint of Ireland?” he asks, thinking surely O’Malley can’t miss this.
“It wouldn’t be three gloves, would it?” says O’Malley.

Uncanny

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says.“I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again…”

Flight

“Hello, Aer Lingus Airlines?” said Big Mick Lonegan. “Could ye be tellin’ me how long it takes to fly from Cleveland to Dublin?” The voice on the telephone said, “Just a minute.” “Wow. That’s fast. Thank ye,” Mick said as he hung up.

Pub

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die, you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman’s Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman’s To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities have made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.

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