CURRENT ISSUE:  OCTOBER 2023

Wise Craics: Scooby Dooba

By Joe McDonough

Even though O’Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer
to a question that had annoyed him for decades. Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend Murphy, ‘Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? ‘To which Murphy replied, ‘If they fell forwards they’d still be in the flippin’ boat.’

Mick and Paddy Visit London
Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their
first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.
‘Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,’ says Mick.
‘Why’s that Mick?’ responds Paddy.
‘Well, to be sure,’ explains Mick, ‘where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?’
‘Begorrah, ‘ splutters Paddy, ‘did that happen to you?’
‘No,’ says Mick, ‘but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.’

O’Connor and the Fierce Dog
O’Connor was sitting in Ward’s Irish Bar, Piccadilly, London, with a large Rottweiler at his feet.
‘Does your dog bite?’ asks Murphy.
‘No,’ replies O’Connor.
So Murphy pats the dog, who almost rips his arm off completely.
‘Hey!’ screams Murphy, ‘you said your dog didn’t bite, O’Connor.’
‘That’s not my dog Murphy,’ concludes O’Connor.

Cutting the Grass
Michael O’Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O’Leary opined, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.’
‘What’s that, Michael?’ responds his mate.
‘Send me lawn away to be cut,’ concludes O’Leary.

The Irish in Space
Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, ‘Mac, where are we goin?’
MacArthur replies, ‘Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.’
‘OK,’ says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, ‘Won’t it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?’
‘Don’t be stupid, Donncha,’ says MacArthur, ‘the man said we’d be going at night.’

Irish Mothers Chat
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna, were talking about their sons. Kate says, ‘My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.’
Lorna responds, ‘Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.’
‘My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.’
‘I am,’ announces Lorna, ‘And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.’

The Irishman and The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne’s pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when  O’Leary, an irate Irishman, stands up shouting, ‘You’re making out we’re all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.’
‘I’m sorry sir, I………..’
‘Not you,’ says O’Leary, ‘I’m talking to that little fella on your knee.’

The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin, appears on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,’ and towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”
“Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

  • a) Sparrow
  • b) Thrush
  • c) Magpie
  • d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue,” said Mick, ”so I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin.” Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
“Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course, I’m sure.”
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“it is.”
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
“Because everyone knows he lives in a clock!”

Got a great joke? A Funny Story? Send them on to John and see what happens!

*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman’s Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman’s To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities have made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.

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