My Favorite Uncle
Mary says to Paddy, “If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?”
“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” she asked.
“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the big computer companies. When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”
After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil, drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes, it is,” said the Irishman, with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings, “But that is not ninety-nine!”
“Oh yes, it is,” said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said, “But that is not 100!”
“Oh yes, it most certainly is,” said the Irishman, with a much broader Irish accent, “Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make 100.
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.
He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river.
Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”
The second man says, “I don’t think so, they didn’t last year.”
Sean had long heard of the story of a family tradition; it seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 48th birthday. On that particular day, they would walk across the lake to their local pub, ‘Murphy’s Bar,’ for their first legal drink.
So when Sean’s 18th birthday arrived, he and his friend Mick took a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and Sean stepped out of the boat. He immediately sank and nearly drowned. He was only saved by Mick, who managed to pull him back into the boat.
Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, “Gran ’tis my 18th birthday. So why can’t I walk across the water, like my father, me grandfather, and his father before him?” Grandma looked deep into Sean’s troubled eyes, looked at him with kind, benevolent eyes and said, “Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August, ya eejit!!”
An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage on a train.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, “The Irish fella must have kissed Julia, and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
Julia Robert was thinking, “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”
And the Irishman was thinking, “This is great, to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fella again.”
Mail Order Bride
Two Irish men are looking through a catalog. Paddy says, “Jaysus would you look at this.. the women here are gorgeous, and their prices are reasonable too!”
Mick agrees with Paddy and says, “Right I’m ordering one right now!”
A few weeks later, Paddy says to Mick, “Has your woman showed up yet?”
“No” says Mick, “But it shouldn’t be long now her clothes arrived yesterday.”
*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman’s Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman’s To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities have made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.