Murphy Goes to Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars, and liquor nearby.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me. I think it’s been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
Paddy in a Hotel
Paddy checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?” Paddy replies, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.
There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on it.”
The Italian Lawyer
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
Lawyers tend to think that they are so much smarter than the common man, that they could put something over on them easily. The lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.
Paddy is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00.
This catches the Paddy’s attention. To keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’ Paddy doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five euro note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Paddy’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00.
The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’ The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer €5.00 and goes back to sleep.
The Weekly Raffle
Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle, and to their surprise, they each won a prize: Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush. The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.
Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted.
Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’