CURRENT ISSUE:  OCTOBER 2023

Joe Mcdonough

Wise Craics: October Funnies – Friends Forever

By Joe McDonough

Two old girls met for the first time since school.

One asked the other: “You were always so organized in school; did you manage to live a well-planned life?”

“Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, my third to a preacher; and now to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked: “Well now, what do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life for ya?”

“One for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready and four to go.”

Bloody Fluke

All along the pier there were fishermen hauling in fish. Among them was a young schoolboy, fishing with a bent pin and a ball of string. Beside him was a fish weighing over 10 kilos.

His mate came down to the pier and asked him about his catch: “What kind of fish is it, Michael?”

“I don’t know, but that fellow over there told me it was a bloody fluke.”

A Little Help From My Friend

Mick was feeling down. He felt that nobody cared for him, so his friend Paddy tried to cheer him up. Paddy related the story of a bus driver he knew who owed a bunch of money on his mortgage and about to lose his home. He felt so hopeless that he drove right to the edge of the Cliffs of Moher, locked the doors, and wondered if he had the nerve to drive right off.

A group of total strangers realized his plight and took up a collection. In short order, they raised more than enough money to save his home. Mick was overcome at the thought of this kind gesture and felt inspired to carry on.

“Who were the people who would do so much to help that driver like thatm” asked Mick?

“The passengers on the bus,” said Paddy.

Good start

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly, then said: “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H… I, J, K.”

She asks: “What does that mean?”

He said: “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.”

She smiled happily and said: “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”

He said: “I’m Just Kidding!”

His eye is still swollen… but it will get better.

Miss Understanding

An Irishman sees two plus sized woman sitting at the bar.

“Where are you two lovely ladies from?” he asks.

“Wales” they respond.

“Ah I’m sorry, where are you two whales from?”

McQuickies:

What do you call a man who suffers from the persistent delusion that he’s a creature from Irish myth?
  A leprechaundriac.

What do you call an Irish Canadian?
  Mickey Moose.

What do you call a patient Irish sniper?
  Éamon Furlong

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
  He’s Dublin over with laughter!

Special Skills

Two Irish brothers are applying for Work Visas to Australia.

The first brother enters his interview, quickly walks out, gives a thumbs-up and says to his brother “I’m in!”

The second brother takes this as a sure sign that he will join him and walks confidently into his interview.

“So Mr… Patrick O’Malley,” the interviewer begins. “What skills can you bring to Australia?”

Patrick explains: “Well, I’m a turf cutter. The best there is! My father was a turf cutter. His father was a turf cutter…”

“That’s a shame,” interrupts the interviewer. “They don’t really need turf cutters in Australia. There’s just not that much turf.”

“But you let me brother in!”

“That’s because your brother is a pilot. Pilots are high in demand.”

Patrick cries, “But if I don’t cut it, he can’t pile it!”

One Born Every Minute

It was pouring heavily outside an Irish pub, and a large puddle had developed.

An elderly man stood alongside the puddle, jiggling a stick with a string on the end in the water. An inquisitive gentleman inquired as to what he was doing.

“Fishing,” the old man said.

“Poor old idiot,” thought the gentleman, so he asked the old man to the pub for a drink.

The gentleman, feeling the need to strike up a conversation while they were sipping their whisky, inquired, “And how many have you caught?”

“You’re the eighth,” he replied.

Choke

Mick and Paddy are lifting a few pints at the pub when a woman at a nearby table drops her sandwich onto her plate and begins to cough violently. After a few seconds, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

Paddy asks, “Can you swallow?”

The woman shakes her head no, as she begins to turn blue.

Paddy then asks, “Can you breathe?” The woman shakes her head no. Paddy walks behind the woman and stands her up, lifts her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Paddy walks back to his table.

Mick says, “You know, I’d heard of that ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,,” ‘but I ain’t never seen anyone do it.”

Submitted by Alice Green/North Olmsted 

Joe McDonough

Joe McDonough

*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.

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