Wise Craics: Jokes

Wise Craics

Father McCarthy; “Ah, good morning, Mrs. Murphy, and how is everything?” “Sure and I’m having a great time of it between me husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out.”

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”  The man replied, “I’m so poor, I cannot afford anything to eat.” So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”  The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.  When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you.” The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

Two Irish women walking through the forest one day hear a voice coming from near a log. “Help me.” They lifted the log and underneath found a frog. “Help me” said the frog “I am an investment banker turned into a frog by an evil curse. I need to be kissed by a woman and I will turn back into an investment banker.” One of the women grabbed the frog and stuffed it into her handbag. Aghast, her friend said, “Did you not hear the frog? He needs to be returned to being an investment banker.” “Listen”, her friend said. “These days a talking frog is worth a lot more than an investment banker.”

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her funeral service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. “Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” 
“I understand my son,” says the priest. “Can you make a Novena?” O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber.”

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along. One day she said to him, “If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.”  
Casey mumbled, “If it wasn’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

The nurse called back to the doctor, saying there was a man in the waiting room, who claimed that he was invisible.  The doctor replied; “Tell him, I can’t see him today.”

Father Flanagan was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a scream followed by a thud. To his horror he saw that a lovely young lass had been hit by a speeding motorist. In fact she had been hit so hard she had all of the clothes knocked off. Father Flanagan being a gentleman placed his hat across her privates. Meanwhile Michael was just inside a pub. He’d been having several pints when he decided enough was enough and he stepped outside to the accident. “Christ” says Michael “The first thing we got to do is get that man outta there.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

Mary Murphy’s husband died and she was speaking with Father Sullivan about the eulogy for the Mass.  Mary said; “He was a very good man.  He belonged to the Knights of Columbus and the AOH.  He volunteered at the hospital and at the soup kitchen.”  Father Sullivan said; “I heard the he was also a member of the KKK.”  ‘Father what is this KKK?” questioned Mary.  Father replied; “you know, Mary.  It’s those devils beneath the sheets.”  “Oh Father” said Mary, “He was a charter member of that.”

*Maury Collins is a Charter Member and past president of the John P. Kelly Division AOH.  Contact him at [email protected] Web https://maurysirishnewstoledo.weebly.com/