Wise Craics: Jokes

Wise Craics
By Maury Collins

Maureen’s husband, Patrick, was a typical Irish male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house.

Housework was woman’s work! But one evening, Maureen arrived home to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something’s up, she thought.
It turns out that Patrick had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and also had to do all the housework were too tired to make love. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.
“We had a great dinner. Patrick even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.” “But what about afterward?” asked her friends. “Oh, that was perfect, too. Patrick was too tired!”

Well, our lovely 90-year old Miss O’Leary is at it again … she was certain her horse would win the big race at the track, because the bookie told her it would start at twenty to one and the race didn’t begin until quarter past.

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife. “By all the saints, what are you doing down there?” she shouted from the bedroom. “Get yourself up here and don’t be waking the neighbors.”
“I’m trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs,” he shouted back.
“Leave it ’till the morning,” she shouted down.
“I can’t” says he, “I’ve drank it!”

 Father O’Malley was going through the mail one day. Drawing a single sheet of paper from
an envelope, he found written on it just one word: “FOOL.”
 The next Sunday at Mass, he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed their name and forgot to write a letter.”

A man goes to the Doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.  The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”
The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.” 
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The man says, “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?” 
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Irish patient to fellow in the next bed, “Look, the doctor’s coming round soon. Try to cheer him up because he’s very worried about you.”