CURRENT ISSUE:  OCTOBER 2023

Joe Mcdonough

Wise Craics: December Funnies

By Joe McDonough

“‘Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where you’re ready there’.

‘Oh. You must be Irish,’ she replied.

The man was evidently offended and responded, ‘The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness, you assume I’m Irish. If I ordered a bowl of pasta, would you that make me Italian?!’

‘No’ she replied. ‘But this is a Waffle House.”

Paddy’s missus was in the City Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child. The nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’

Paddy replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the flippin’ moon!‘

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, a house fly drops into each man’s freshly poured pint.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little rascal.”

An English lawyer was sitting with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’

‘Bollocks, who told you that?’ asked Marty.

Paddy and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. It was 8 o’clock and the neighbor’s dog was going mental.

‘Enough of this’, shouted Paddy as he ran out of the room.

He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. ‘What are you after doing?’ replied his wife. ‘I’ve put the little yapper in our garden. Let’s see how they like listening to him!’

Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. ‘How do I get to the other side of the river?’ shouted one lad to the other.

‘Sure, you’re on the other side’, replied the second.

Two Irishmen were walking out of a funeral. One turns to the other and says, ‘It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn’t it?!’

‘It was’, replied the friend. ‘Listen – when I die, will you pour a decent bottle of whiskey over my grave, as a toast?’

‘I will,’ says the friend. ‘But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?’

A little Irish girl was talking to her little sister.

‘You know Father Christmas?’ said the little Irish girl

‘Yes,’ answered her little sister. 

‘Well, I think it’s Daddy.

‘Why?

‘Because he never shaves and only works one day a year.’

Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet? He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.

What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? A leper-chaun.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman? Rick-O-Shea.

What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? Gaelic breath.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? He resigned because he couldn’t control his pupils.

What do you call a huge Irish spider? A Paddy-long-legs.

See more of Joe’s Wise Craics columns HERE

Joe McDonogh

Joe McDonogh

*Joe is one of the proprietors of Gunselman's Tavern in Fairview Park and Gunselman's To Go in Rocky River Ohio, voted The Best Burger in Cleveland twice. His active support of the Irish and local communities has made significant impact on our community and has garnered numerous awards. He lives in North Olmsted with his wife Meghan.

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