When Irish Eyes Are Smiling … Jokes

Smile and be Happy!!!

Paddy goes to see the priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Priest asked, “What’s wrong?” Paddy replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Priest, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?” The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Priest then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Priest calls Paddy and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?” Paddy said yes. The Priest replied, “Take the poison.”

Finnegan:  My wife has a terrible habit of staying up til two o’clock in the morning.  I can’t break her of it.  Keenan: What on earth is she doing at that time? Finnegan replied: Waiting for me to come home.

A man called the maternity ward at the hospital.  “Quick!” he said “Send an ambulance, my wife is going to have a baby!”  “Tell me, is this her first baby? The Intern asked.
“No this is her husband, Kevin.”

In a literature class in Dublin some years back, students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important literary ingredients — Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. The winner was: “My God!’ cried the Duchess. ‘I’m pregnant. Who did it?”

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. “Here,” he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, “do you call that pig?”  “Which end of the fork, sir?” the waitress asked sweetly.

Mick told his doctor that he could no longer do as much around the house as he used to. He didn’t seem to have the energy for any chores. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and at the end Mick said: “OK, doc, I can take it.  Tell me in plain English, what’s wrong with me?” “Well” said the doctor, “in plain English, you’re just lazy.” “OK,” said Mick, “now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

She didn’t approve of smoking, so when the gentleman lit up his pipe, she said, “Do you know that my husband is sixty and he never put a pipe in his mouth?” Ma’am, I’m sixty-five and never put it anywhere else.

Paddy went into a store and asked the saleslady for help picking out a birthday present for his girlfriend.  The saleslady shows him a $100 bracelet. Paddy says; “Way too much.  Show me something else.”  She walked over to the cosmetic counter and shows him a $25 dollar bottle of perfume. “How about this?”  “Nah, still too expensive.  Can you show me something really cheap?”  She handed him a mirror.

A man goes to a Podiatrist’s office and says to the doctor; “You have to help me Doc.  I think that I am a moth.”
The Podiatrist looks at him and says; “You need a psychiatrist.  “Yeh, I know.” So why did you come to my office?”  “You’re light was on.”

An 8-year-old girl asked; “Daddy, what is sex?”  The surprised father decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, she was old enough to get an answer.  After telling her all about the birds and the bees, he said “Why do you ask?”  The wide eyed little girl replied; “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

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