When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
by Maury Collins
I met a man the other day named Flanagan, and I said, ‘You’re a happy man.’ He said, ‘I am.’
I said, ‘Why?’ ‘Well,’ he said, ‘the Income Tax people have been after me for 20 years, driving me mad, to get money out of me, driving me crazy with worry. But, this morning I got a letter from them and it said: FINAL NOTICE.’ ‘Thank God,’ he said, ‘I won’t be hearing from them again.
McCarthy leaving the dentist’s office: ‘I’ve just had all my teeth out – never again!’
Finding one of her pupils making faces at others on the playground, Miss Barker stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, ‘Tony, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.’
Tony looked up, smiled and replied, ‘Well, Miss Barker, you can’t say you weren’t warned.’
Philip came up to kindergarten teacher Miss Hewitt to say that he had found a frog. Miss Hewitt asked if the frog was alive or dead? Philip, aged 6, declared that it was dead.
Miss Hewitt enquired as to how he could be so sure that it was dead? Philip replied, ‘I pissed in its ear.’ Flabbergasted, Miss Hewitt demanded, ‘You what, Philip Brown?’ Philip added, ‘You know, I went to his ear and said, ‘PSST!’ and it didn’t move. So it must be dead.
A frustrated father told his work colleague, “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has a color TV, computer, game console, cell phone, iPad and DVD player.” “So, what do you do?”
The father replied: “I send him to my room!”
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”