When Irish Eyes are Smiling
The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: “Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck.”
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?” The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where?
The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’? “I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded “When we were first married, we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.”
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
A policeman brought four boys before a judge. “They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor,”
“Boys,” said the judge sternly, “I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong.
“My name is George,” said the first boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.
“My name is Pete,” said the second boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”
“My name is Mike,” said the third boy, “and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen.”
“My name is Peanuts,” said the fourth boy.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off”.
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about the hook”?
“Well…” replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked.
“Well…” said the pirate, “That was my first day with the hook.”
A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?” She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”
From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”
One day, a grandpa and his grandson went golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way. The grandpa says, “When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree.”
So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not too far from where it started.
“Of course,” added the grandpa, “when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall.”