Got Jokes? They’re up to Something …

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling
by Maury Collins

 An Illinois man  left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested.
“We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”
“Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it,” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”
But it’s a Doberman Pincher, who uses a Doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked
“Oh,” Jim responded, “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”
Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said, “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”
Thinking quickly John responded in an angry voice, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!”

A good friend of mine, after seven years of medical school and training, has been caught by the “#metoo” movement and has been fired for one indiscretion.  He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money.
Even worse is the fact that he’s still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show how one little mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great person and a brilliant veterinarian.

Paddy was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.  When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day. 
“What for?” he snapped at the judge. 
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, “Twenty dollars contempt  of court. That’s why!”  Then, noticing Paddy checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.” 
Paddy replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue “Viagra” pill. The pharmacist asked, “How many?” The man replied, “Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.  The pharmacist said, “That’s too small a dose. That won’t get you through intimacy.”
The old fellow said, “Oh, I’m past eighty years old and I don’t even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my new golf shoes.”

Kevin and Mary met in college and fell in love.  Mary took Kevin home to meet her family,  who owned a farm.  The family gathered in the front room and father-in – law to be, Mike Cassidy began to hold court on the day’s work at the farm.
While tea and cakes and sandwiches were brought in, Mike said to Kevin “I’ve shoveled fourteen and a half tons of manure this afternoon – have another sandwich!” No thanks muttered Kevin.
“This morning I shoveled over fifteen tons of manure, have a custard cream.’ ‘No thanks,’ was the weak reply.  A short time later Mike Cassidy went out of the room and the young suitor said: ‘Your father’s a lovely man, but he keeps talking about manure all the time. It’s putting me off my grub. Can’t you get him to say fertilizer?’ ‘Listen,’ said Mary, ‘it’s taken us years to get him to say manure!’

*Maury Collins is a Charter Member and past president of the John P. Kelly Division AOH.  Contact him at [email protected]  Web

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