A Collection of Laughs: Phonetic Puns, Witty Tales, and Quick Quips

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It’s a shih tzu.

Make It Count

A doctor, an anthropologist, and a lawyer are traveling through the Amazon jungle. They come across an ancient tribe that captures them and holds them at spearpoint. The tribal chieftain speaks to them in his native tongue. The anthropologist recognizes that the language is similar to a language that he has studied. He tells his comrades, “I can’t make out everything, but I think I can catch most of what he’s saying. He says they are going to boil us alive in those big vats over there. Then, they are going to peel our skins off and use them to stretch over their new canoes. However, he did say that they would grant us each one final request before we suffer our heinous death.”

The doctor says that he wants his medical bag. The anthropologist tells the chief, and the bag is brought to the doctor, who promptly takes out a syringe and gives himself an injection of painkiller strong enough to knock him out so that he will not suffer. He is then thrown in a boiling vat. Seeing that the painkiller is all gone, the anthropologist recalls that certain plants in this area were used by tribes as painkillers. He asks the chief for such a plant, and it is brought to him. He eats as much of it as he can until he loses consciousness and is also taken to the vats.

The lawyer motions that he wants a sharp stick. They are puzzled. He continues to motion until they realize what he is asking for. They hold their spears on him cautiously as they present him with the stick. They watch in horror as the lawyer stabs himself from the top of his head inch by inch to the bottom of his feet. Now, bleeding gruesomely, he hands the stick to the chief and says, “Stretch that over your bloody canoe!”

Good News?

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having the strangest problem. I keep having these silent but deadly farts. They don’t make any noise, but they stink to high heaven. In fact, I’ve already let a few rip since I’ve been sitting here!”

The doctor nods sympathetically and says, “I see, well, we’ll need to run some tests to figure out what’s going on.”

After a series of tests, the doctor calls the man back into his office and delivers the news: “Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we know what’s causing your silent but deadly farts.”

Relieved, the man asks, “Okay, what’s the bad news?”

The doctor replies, “The bad news is, you’re partially deaf.”

Quickies:

A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian, and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you!”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!

Up, Up & Away

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts,

Balloonist: “Excuse me, can you please help? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

Man: “Yes, you are in a balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”

Balloonist: “You must be an engineer.”

Man: “I am, how did you know?”

Balloonist: “Well, everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost.”

Man: “You must be a manager.”

Balloonist: “I am. How did you know?”

Man: “Well, you don’t know where you are. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

Crime Doesn’t Pay

Some local criminals were looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. They soon realize that their collection is late and send some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so they drag the guy to an interpreter. The hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where the money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”

The deaf replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where the money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”

The deaf man replies, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”

The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about and doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.”